


Getting Over Her & Under You

by ribonhwa



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: F/F, Genderswap, Girl Direction, Minor Niall Horan/Liam Payne, Past Liam Payne/Louis Tomlinson, girl!Harry, girl!Liam - Freeform, girl!Louis, girl!Niall, girl!Zayn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-01-03
Updated: 2015-04-26
Packaged: 2018-03-05 05:07:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 24,609
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3107237
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ribonhwa/pseuds/ribonhwa
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Liam's a heartbroken and still in the closet lesbian - because it doesn't seem so easy to come out at the age of 24, when you're supposed to have it all figured out.<br/>There's Louis, her ex-girlfriend, who she's supposed to try and figure out how to stay friends with.<br/>Then there's suddenly Harry, Louis' new girlfriend, who is all long legs, long curls and dimples, when she smiles - and that can hardly be fair.<br/>Then there's luckily Zayn, all laid-back and easy to get on with, willing to help - not to mention her eyelashes are endless and cheekbones could cut diamonds.</p>
<p>(I suck at summaries, here have a pass at the fic)</p>
<p>"Hey, are you OK, love?"</p>
<p>The girl who had entered the bathroom asked the question. Liam was about to nod her head to lie, but her mind actually started to think about the question. She didn't feel OK, she felt a lot of things, but definitely not OK.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> yikes, this is going to be intense... I'm ten thousand kinds of nervous posting this ! I don't even know, what to write here....  
> I feel like this could be good, I've enjoyed writing it (went through a lot of emotional distress doing so, but still) !  
> girl verse is my new favorite thing; trying it out once more, longer fic and all ! this is going to be lightly angsty, I guess kind of dramatic, some fluff in there as well, hurt/comfort element always, maybe romantic...  
> this first chapter will be the most of the heartbreak one; then it gets better and better, I promise ! (mentioning of Ella Eyre's song, because that's a kick ass break up song imo...)  
> Fair warnings: girl!direction fic, will have all the boys as girls; mildly angsty, nothing too bad; drinking, I suppose I could warn about that; minor mention of mild drugs; sex eventually... english isn't my first language, and this hasn't been betaed, but I did my best !  
> so... I should say enjoy? and you can expect another chapter within a week if all goes well !

It was hard to walk in heels, Liam wasn't very used to it. Her feet were actually aching by then, and she regretted the decision to even wear heels. She rounded the corner and leaned against the wall for support as she slipped them of her feet and picked into her hands - Liam felt stupid walking down the stairs to the night club down there with just stocking covered feet and shoes in her hand, but she decided to forgive herself this: if she could help her suffering feet, she would, since she couldn't stop the tears that started watering her eyes and blurring her vision, making her head ache, not unlike her whole chest.

She noticed a few people looking after her, and she wasn't sure if it was because she carried her shoes or because she was so obviously crying. The tears were slowly falling then, even if she was still holding them back, not allowing herself to let it all go just yet. Just a little while longer, she told herself, making it through the night club and a steps of stairs to a quiet hallway. Goal in sight, her tears faded, as she felt a relief wash over her: there was the open doorway, the one she had been looking for.

The bathroom floor was all grey tile and cool under her feet, and she ran across it swiftly and went for the stall furthest away from the door. Liam needed to have this distance to the world, needed to be this alone, didn't want anyone to see as she broke down. Dropping her shoes on the floor, and kicking them into the the corner, a shaky sigh escaped her painted lips.

Finally Liam allowed herself to let it go, to let it out, and broke down into sobs. Her body shook with their force, and when she heard a loud, whiny sob escape her, she covered her mouth to keep herself silent. It was unbearable, she couldn't help this feeling as it clenched her at her chest, clawed at her from inside to come out, and these sobs just weren't enough, didn't do anything to make her feel better.

It wasn't like Liam had expected them to help, but she hadn't wanted to cry in front of everyone else. Especially not Louis, who had stood there in her silk dress with higher heels than Liam, make up done up nicely and looking so perfect, with the exception of her blue eyes. They had used to look at Liam so differently, like she was special and wonderful, instead of this new look of pity and sadness. It made Liam feel so disgusted with herself, that she deserved that look, because this sobbing mess was her these days.

Feeling her sobs die down a little into small whimpers and just silent tears, Liam dared to remove her hands from her mouth to wipe her eyes. She even smiled a little, because she had spent such a long time on making her lips look fuller and her eyes to look bigger. And if it wasn’t Louis, who had used to say she had nice, big eyes. Well, make up was gone by then, run down her cheeks and red just smeared across her lips.

Shaking her head, she slid down to sit on the bathroom floor, which was probably dirty enough to stain her red dress, but Liam didn't care at that moment. She was rather sure she was going to regret the decision later that evening, because eventually she had to see Louis again. Of course why would a small stain on her dress matter, if her eyes were red and make up smeared?

Liam let out a shaky sigh, and felt the feelings clenching at her body once again, begging for an outlet. She was reluctant to let them, since she wasn't sure if Louis would soon come to find her. Really, Liam needed to get up, put on her shoes and try to fix her make up.

Harder to actually do, than to just think it.

The long, brown hair was also in knots, she realized as she ran her fingers through it. It had a tendency to become unruly, and now that she had hairspray in it, it was even worse. She tried to keep her thoughts on that as she got up with her whole body complaining: it was worn out, wanted rest just as much as her aching head, where thoughts just kept running through in a flow of self-criticism, worst case futures and Louis.

She picked up her shoes and walked out of the stall to the mirrors and sinks. She'd seen herself this way before, but the bags that appeared under her brown eyes, after intense crying, always shocked her, all puffed out and reddish. Real attractive, Liam thought to herself, tears pooling and overflowing again, despite her best efforts.

She heard footsteps approaching, and felt her heart speed up with the need to get away. But really there was nowhere to run, Liam was trapped in the bathroom. There was always hope, the person wasn't coming in there. Liam just wasn't lucky enough to catch a break like that, and she turned on the faucet to wash her face off the make up and tried to look calm and a lot more collected than she felt. If anything the presence of another person made Louis and everything related to that trail of thought drown down to make room for embarrassment: which was more pleasant.

"Hey, are you OK, love?"

The girl who had entered the bathroom asked the question. Liam was about to nod her head to lie, but her mind actually started to think about the question. She didn't feel OK, she felt a lot of things, but definitely not OK.

"Not really, no", Liam answered and bit at her lower lip to stop it from quivering as emotions stirred up again. She was getting so tired of this, had lived with moments of calm and falling right back down again, it was just getting too exhausting.

"Oh, love, don't cry", the girl told her and Liam heard the footsteps approach her. She turned to look at the girl, seeing a slender body wearing a black apron that reached to her mid thigh, skin tight jeans and a button up black shirt with the clubs logo on the small pocket on the left side. A staff member clearly, Liam thought, as she felt a bony, cool hand stroke her bare arm comfortingly.

Liam shook her head no, meaning to obey the plead, but couldn't really help her teary eyes. With the way her lower lip started to quiver again, she didn't really trust her voice to work so she didn't say anything.

"Come on now", the girl said her voice as smooth as the hand she was running up and down Liam's arm. "Tell you what, I'll take you to the staff room for a bit, get you some tea and it'll all be better, yea?"

The suggestion was beyond tempting, was the perfect escape from seeing Louis again. Liam wouldn't have the strength to go through another conversation with the other girl, didn't want to see the pity in those blue eyes and with a smile that was meant to be comforting and pleasant, but looked too fake and made Liam both angry and sad.

"I'd really like that, please", she said voice a little hoarse and raw from her crying. The fact that this stranger was willing to help her eased her overwhelmed emotions, let her body and mind ease up and allowed a smile to tug at her lips, and raised her eyes to the girl with a laugh. "Nice of you to help a mess like me."

Brown eyes looked back at her with small amusement and sympathy (and though Liam felt like it was closely related to pity, she liked this look; there must have been a fine line drawn in water that marked it). They were rather captivating - a much lighter color than her own brown eyes, had a traces of copper and amber in them - framed by long lashes and holding Liam's own for a moment before turning away.

"Everyone's a mess really, they just hide it", she said and raised one hand to put a finger to her reddish, pouty lips to mark it as secret. The hand on Liam's arm slid down and took a hold on her hand. Liam watched the bronze skin against her own, and followed when she was lead away. "Come now, tea and all promised."

The way was luckily enough for Liam not through the crowd of dancing people, but rather further down the hallway and through a STAFF ONLY door. It opened with a code, which her escort pressed easily from memory. They went down a flight of stairs, Liam's feet starting to freeze with the coldness, and her bare arms getting gooseflesh: it was much colder down in the basement.

"Welcome to the backstage", the waitress said and looked at her with a small smile. They arrived to a small room with a table and some chairs around it, a small kitchenette in the corner and two doors, leading to the men's and women's locker rooms. It wasn't overly clean or dirty, and Liam looked around feeling a little curious and unfitting to the environment.

Liam hadn't even remembered the hand holding her's until it let go of the gentle grip. The loss of contact made her feel even less welcome, and she wasn't sure what to do with herself. Rubbing along her still warm hand with her other to make up for it and stood around by the stairs. Looking after the bronze skinned girl, she saw her head for the kitchenette: making the promised tea.

"You can just sit down and I'll make you the tea. You take sugar?"

"Thank you, yes, please", Liam answered while she walked to the table. She sat down a chair, pulled her feet up from the cold floor and tried to make herself comfortable. It wasn't really hard, because she felt a lit more at ease than she had in a long time, like there was suddenly much more air for her to breathe in the small room. Despite the hard chair, the cold air, the dimness and dustiness, it felt so freeing.

Her purse vibrated, where she put it down on the table, and Liam looked at it for a while, brown eyes uncertain. She really wanted to ignore it, let it be and ring, and really wanted to be able to do it this time. It was too bad she also had the strong urge to answer, wanted to see it was Louis calling her, and being worried about her, and let that small show of affection bring her a sad, sad kind of minimal joy, that she almost felt like she needed.

"You don't have answer, you know?" the girl told her, voice easy and casual. It broke Liam’s stare at the purse and stopped her hands from reaching out too. It was all the encouragement Liam needed to stay strong and not answer.

"Not going to", she answered in a steady voice, so much more sure about her decision than before. It wasn't going to do her any good to hear Louis worried about her, stirring up emotion, that should have buried a long time ago, ones she was wishing she never felt in the first place. Her heart still beat fast, the buzzing and vibrating continuing from the purse.

"Thank you for this", Liam said looking to the girl, who was stirring a cup by the counter. She had a side cut, the black hair very short on one side and pulled over to the other side in a long braid a few strand loose in the front. There were multiple piercings in her ear, eight all in all as Liam counted them, one of them a small tunnel. She both looked and seemed like a person, who didn't judge, one that was accepting and that was what Liam needed then.

"It's cool, no biggie really", she answered when she returned to the table and placed the cup in front of Liam. "Couldn't really leave you crying there, that would be a little cruel."

Liam thought, that really she could have, but she was thankful she hadn't done that. She thanked her again this time for the tea as much as everything else, and the other just smiled in return to reassure her.

"Your name is Zayn?" She asked after tasting her tea. It was very sweet and a little too hot, so she burned her tongue. Her eyes had fallen down to the shirt once again and spotted a name tag which read the name.

"Yea, that's me. And what can call you?" she asked in return.

"Cry baby?" Liam suggested as a joke and smiled a little. She got a small giggle from Zayn, but then answered for real. "I'm Liam."

"Well, Liam, I doubt you cry all the time", Zayn said in an attempt to comfort her, and Liam knew she looked a little panicked. Her shoulders tensed, and eyes dropped, because she wasn't exactly sure how to respond to that; it struck her how often she had been crying lately. "That bad?" she heard then and Zayn's ease tone was now a little worried and soft with sympathy.

"Not all the time, no", Liam hurried to say, because that much was true. She had been faster to tear up, had much less confidence in everyday situations and it was like every small ray of light was filtered through a dusty window to make it ugly anyway. Worst was knowing what that dusty window was, but not being strong enough to move past it, because it used to paint everything rosy and beautiful.

"Just lately has been a little rough", she explained talking fast and wanting to say more - there hadn't been much of an outlet for her emotional crashing and burning in the past six months. Liam knew Louis tried to be there, but opening up to her just made Liam feel like an even shittier person, that reached new levels of pathetic whining and even more pathetic longing (which made Louis uncomfortable, she was sure).

Still Liam wasn't sure if she should really tell a total stranger her troubles, open herself up like that: it could very well blow up in her face. It could very well turn out that this Zayn was homophobic despite her careless attitude and funky hair cut. It could very well turn out that she knew Louis and this would track back to Liam through her and bite her hard in the ass. Zayn could act all nice and kind, and then have a laugh about the sad cry baby she found in the bathroom that Friday night.

But it was increasingly hard to keep quiet, not never say anything, to hide, and Liam wanted to talk so badly.

"You don't have to talk about it if you don't want", Zayn said in an easy tone once again. There's was no pressure in it, no nosy curiosity, but a soft invitation to continue if Liam wanted to. And she was ready to go for this chance, fighting off her last doubts, so tired of them all.

"I wouldn't want to keep you from your work." That was the last restraint keeping her almost already quivering lips from spilling it all out. The thought alone had her hands shaking, when she formed the story in her head, recalled all the memories, putting them into words, thinking up sentences.

"Nothing that can't wait really", Zayn said carelessly (Liam envied the calmness, rarely got to that kind of state even in her free time).

"Well, alright, if it's OK. I really could use someone to listen, I suppose", Liam started talking fast and letting her eyes fall from Zayn, looking at her own hands instead, becoming further aware of the warm tea cup between her fingers. Mind whirling she wanted to find a good kind of start to the story, but wasn't really sure where it was, what was the exact moment it started.

"I'm... I think I'm gay", she then confessed with a sigh, that she realized was in relief. It was the first time Liam had said those words aloud - she hardly let herself think about it normally, going on with her life letting everyone assume she was straight. Even with the lined doubt, it was liberating.

"That's cool", Zayn said with an easy smile on her lips. There was still no pushing or pressuring Liam to go on. There wasn't even an assumption that being gay was what had Liam crying alone in a club bathroom.

"I don't know about that, being a in the closet gay girl, who figured this out at 24", Liam admitted and shook her head at herself.

"Still fine", Zayn said kindly with a shrug of her shoulders. And it was comforting, that she didn't try to overly comfort Liam about it, like it added a certain validation to the words she spoke: no need to talk a lot, repeating stuff or any of all that comforting stuff (something Liam was very guilty of doing in every situation).

"Yea?" Liam's tone was a little questioning, but didn't let herself dwell, had heard enough times that she needed too much confirmation. "I mean, yea, I suppose."

And that part was actually the very easy part of the conversation, because the next part contained the actual pain.

"So, yea, and then I kind of had this girlfriend", Liam said, and willed herself to keep going now. It was hard to keep an even tone, when she talked about Louis, and she hurried her story: "I mean she was just a friend before, from way back really, but she got close a lot, and then we began kissing on the lips, and stuff like that."

Zayn was at her side suddenly, her soft and cool fingers coming to Liam's shoulder. It startled her a little, because she wasn't used to a lot of physical contact and hadn't been paying much attention to Zayn, while talking. She made sure to lean into the touch though, forcing herself to be comfortable with this, to have her very neglected need for physical contact filled - Louis had used to be touchy with her, but that had stopped even before they broke up; Liam reaching out to have Louis pull away, until she stopped trying at all and left space between them afraid of the repeating rejection.

"I'm real stupid though, I still miss her", Liam continued and placed her hand around the hand on her shoulder. Zayn pressed her fingers around her hand, and sat down on the chair beside Liam's. Liam looked at her with desperation, and was met with sympathetic hazel eyes, and Zayn looked truthfully, genuinely sorry and sad for her. And Liam wished she could let herself actually believe that Zayn was being honest, but she had been so mistrustful since forever, and even worse since Louis broke up with her.

Swallowing those feelings down, she continued: "I guess we fell apart, like it wasn't the same and you know. She didn't love me anymore, not in the same way... And it's been four months, and I'm still like this. That's just pathetic, I mean people break up and then move on, it should be that easy, right? You can't just cry all the time, you have to not do that really."

"Not pathetic, you can take your own time to get over her", Zayn spoke up soft and calm, when Liam stopped to breathe rigidly. Zayn's thumb was running in a small circle on her palm, and Liam let her eyes follow the motion for a while, letting that numb her mind for a while.

"Yea, it's just hard to do that when her see often, and we call each other", Liam said with a sigh. She'd considered letting completely go of Louis, to stop calling and meeting up, but she couldn't do that, wasn't strong enough to say no, or even resist the urge to call Louis. "I mean we decided to stay friends, so I'm really trying. Then I miss her when I don't see her, and miss her even more when I actually see her, and that's so stupid, like I can't win at all. Can you even go back to being friends after being in love and all that?" She looked at Zayn for an answer, and got a reply:

"I think you can if you really want."

There really wasn't anything Liam wanted more, and she knew Louis was ready to be just friends, to go back to the bond they had before kisses started happening. So really it was down to her, and Liam didn't feel like she knew how to go back.

"I really do, but I don't know how", she admitted then, and Zayn didn't have anything to say to that since she just squeezed Liam's hand comfortingly.

There was a small moment of silence, before Liam decided to go all out with this. Was there even a reason not to at this point? So she laughed out a little bitterly, a little amused and feeling so ridiculous, continuing:

"Tonight, I thought like if I tried to look real nice, drank a glass of wine to lessen the thousand kinds of stressed out and lame I am, I could try win her over", Liam said and looked down at her dress, which was smudged with dirt, and probably even worse at the back. She had sat down fully on the bathroom floor, so no doubt really. "Believe it or not, I looked decent and human earlier", Liam said and actually smiled a little at herself towards Zayn, who hummed a reply that she believed. It was accompanied by Zayn's other hand coming to wipe at her cheeks and under her eyes to get some of the smeared make up off.

"Still looking pretty, don't you worry, love", Zayn said and Liam just shook her head no, because she didn't believe that. That was a compliment said to a sad, sad girl to get her to stop her whining and crying, so lies, lies, lies...

"Yea, well, didn't matter how nice I looked. Louis was here with girl, that was at least half a head taller than me. You know, endless legs, curly hair, sparkling eyes, bigger tits than me, and dimples when she smiles. Well, there's that she's genuinely able to smile and laugh too, and I bet she's funny too, and nice", Liam listed the things, tone mostly sad, with only a small hint of detest: she couldn't really get herself to dislike Louis' new girlfriend, she had seemed lovely by the five to ten minutes, that Liam had actually been able to sit at the same table. It was hardly this Harry Styles' fault that Liam was jealous or that Louis prefered her over Liam.

Liam had cupped her own breast, while talking about them being smaller. Louis had said, she liked them, loved how they were small (Louis had been a lot more busty, having two or three cup sizes bigger than Liam, and they were beautiful). Liam had been thrilled, had felt good about herself for once, but now she wasn't as confident anymore. Not about her breasts or much anything else. All of her seemed to fall apart into small bits, which she disliked; all of the parts, that she used to like, falling apart and becoming ugly.

"I can't compete with that, there's no chance. And why did I even think I could change her mind anyway. You know, I even packed a bag with my toothbrush and everything, just in case."And that was the truth, she had left a bag packed with anything she might need, if sleeping over at Louis' place - she hadn't been confident about it happening, hardly even optimistic, but the thought kept pushing at her mind. It wouldn't leave her alone, since that call from Louis, asking if Liam was up for a night out. Agreeing had come easily, because it was Louis, who asked: Liam never said no to her.

"And now, she's calling, and I don't want to answer", Liam concluded and gestured a little towards the small clutch bag on the table, which was buzzing and faintly ringing with her ringtone (Ella Eyre - Comeback, because sometimes she liked to think that Louis would come back and Liam could let her burn. It was highly unlikely that Louis would do that, and even more unlikely that Liam could follow through either, but feeling angry was better than sad).

"But I still kind of want to", she said after that, because that was true too. It was sick and masochistic and all kinds of bad for her to answer, but it was Louis, and she was calling Liam, wanting to know where she was.

Wanting to introduce her new, perfect, model tall girlfriend to Liam...

Zayn was pulling the bag away from Liam, placing it out of her reach. She then turned back to Liam, and put her arms around her shoulders, pulling the other girl into a hug. There were whispered comforting sentences and soothing words into her ear and she just went with it, letting herself fall into the embrace. It was a little uncomfortable, her limbs feeling out of place and leaning her head against Zayn's shoulder somehow making her body twist and neck a little crooked, but it was still so nice, warm and strangely calming, leaving Liam just slightly sniffling and silent tears falling down her cheeks until they died down.

"You can stay back here, if you don't want to see her", Zayn promised at some point. "And if you want to go home, I can let you out back too, get your coat for you and all."

The thought of her empty apartment wasn't really appealing, but she couldn't stay here forever either. Zayn would eventually have to work, the place would eventually also close. It wasn't like this backstage felt like a good option, nor the club or the bar. She was really only interested in having Zayn's hand running up and down her arm like that.

Never the less, she had to leave, and let the other girl work again.

"You're really my hero if you'd sneak me out", Liam said to Zayn, meaning it. She would rather not have Louis see her like this, even if she had before.

"It's no bother really, Liam”, Zayn told her in a calm, lightly cheerful tone - and Liam felt a strong reaction to the sound of her name, like she always did, a little pleased and more alerted somehow - and stroked along her arm one more time, before getting up and saying she would get Liam's coat and bag from the cloak storage (and it was quite embarrassing when she thought of just how much she packed into that bag, all from toothbrush, face wash, make up to her phone charger; it'd probably be heavy).

So Liam was left alone, and she raised her still lukewarm tea to her lips and drank it up - it was very sweet, a lot of sugar, just like she drank her tea. A half minute went by, before she reached out for her purse and pulled her phone out. The screen lit up with the touch of her finger and showed 4 missed calls from Louis and a text saying 'where r u?'.

She was shaking her head at the thought of calling, refusing it to do it and texted back 'went home, sorry for worrying u ! I got an headache, and wasn't feeling so well...'. Liam actually felt the dull ache in her head from crying, justifying her small lie - wasn't the reason she was leaving, but some truth never the less.

The front camera helped her fix herself up a bit, but there was little she could do about her puffy eyes or red nose. All make up stains and left over lipstick, she fixed off and pulled her hair into a bun on top of her head. It was the best she could do, and Liam really wanted to look a little better once Zayn got back.

That proved to take a while, in which Louis tried to call once more, before texting back 'ok... I'll come by tomorrow !'. That was hardly fair to text, leaving Liam dreading and waiting, knowing that Louis would talk uncomfortable things or uncover things she didn't want to say, but yearned to anyway (so it would hardly take much to get Liam speaking more than she needed to). She was out of tea too, before Zayn got back, and debating if she should text Louis to fuck off or not (part of her really wanted to, and the other wanted to cling on to anything they still had, it was stupid really, like everything Louis related in head was these days).

Eventually Zayn came back with her coat and bag (and if noticed the weight, she didn't mention it).

"I'm sorry it took so long, not so used to the cloak stuff", she apologized with a smile at Liam. And that was ridiculous, because Zayn was helping her out and it shouldn't matter how long it took.

"That's alright, I mean you're going out of your way to help me, and stuff, so you can take all the time you need. You shouldn't even have to be doing this, so it's all good." And that wasn't really what she had been meaning to say, but it was sometimes hard to stop talking, when she started, words flowing fast and seemingly easy.

"Or, you know, thank you", she added then and had Zayn laugh a little at the comment with a small shake of her head.

Liam felt safer and warmer with her coat around her. It was even better when Zayn held her hand and told her to follow with an easy smile.

They walked down a corridor, and made it into an almost deserted kitchen: the restaurant had closed for the evening, since it was almost midnight and sales were focussed on drinks by then. There was a blonde girl putting all different glasses into a dish washer clashing around. She had the same kind of attire as Zayn, same button up shirt, but had looser blue jeans underneath the black apron. Her cheeks were flushed pink, as she had been doing this some time, stacking clean ones on a trolley.

"Zee, we're running out of glasses", she complained a little, but had a grin on her face never the less, tell tale that she wasn't really upset. She turned to look questioningly at Zayn hands on her hips. Zayn just shrugged her shoulders at that and Liam felt like she needed to say something.

"That's probably my fault", she said and had the blonde look at her with a wondering look, blue eyes going up and down on her, like trying to figure her out. "I'm very sorry", Liam apologized, and soon had the blonde smile at her.

The name tag on her shirt said Niall, and Liam quickly raised her eyes from it, when she noticed how snugly the shirt was fitted around her chest.

"Ex-boyfriend won't leave you alone?" she in a questioning voice, taking a guess at what was Liam's reason for being back there. Liam was baffled for a moment before shaking her no.

"More like I'm trying to leave someone alone", she explained and felt that was close enough to the truth. Zayn tightened her fingers around Liam's hand at the comment, the bones pressing firmer from under the warm skin.

"You sure they'd want you to leave them alone though? I sure wouldn't mind your company", Niall said easily with a wide smile and a wink, before she turned back to the dish washer which had become silenced. And Liam wasn't sure if she knew how to respond to that. That was a joke, felt like it was, so she just laughed a little.

"I'll see her off, have a smoke and be back after, Nialler", Zayn said and patted Niall shoulder when passing. There was a small mumbled comment about Zayn always getting to see the pretty girls off, but the tone was light and Zayn just laughed.

They came outside to a small alley. It had a couple of stairs down and and a few doors lined by the building wall and the opposite one as well. Liam looked around and ahead, recognizing the lights of a few stores at the street ahead. Zayn let her go and fumbled around her pockets for a pack of cigarettes and a lighter.

"You're going to be alright?" Zayn asked as she lighted her cigarette. Hazel eyes looked from under the long lashes, before they fell closed as she took her first drag of smoke.

"Yea, I don't live that far from here, I'll be alright", Liam answered not really sure if that's what Zayn meant with the question. The other girl nodded at her though accepting the answer, so she didn't add anything else. "So, thank you like a lot, can't even say how much, and I hope you can catch up on the work. I'd better go and not keep you any longer", she finished and took a few steps back looking at the ground and then raising her eyes.

"Wait up, hey." The protest was mumbled as Zayn had the cigarette between her lips, but loud enough to be heard in the relatively silent night. It got Liam stopping and looking at her expectantly, waiting when Zayn was coming to her.

Surprisingly strong, slender arms wrapped around Liam's waist and Zayn leaned her head to Liam's shoulder. She smelled of smoke, in a different way than Louis, who'd smoked menthols; this wasn’t lined with the mint, it was smoke alone. And while, she was confused, Liam brought her own hands to Zayn's sides to hold on as well. 

"Don't be sad anymore, you're very lovely." Her voice was low and calm, when she spoke, and the words so sweet and strangely emotional and intense in a way Liam wasn't used to. It made her hands clutch at Zayn's shirt and breath hitch a little. And surely she felt very emotional, but in a good way for the first time in four months, because she was lovely all of sudden.

The hug ended as suddenly as it began, Zayn pulling back with her hand sliding across Liam’s clothed back and settling at her sides for a while. And Liam wanted to say thank you, which would probably be for the thousandth time that evening, but she couldn't seem to get her thoughts into words (which was rather rare really, she wasn't usually speechless, sometimes she actually wished she could have been).

"Be safe, Liam. I'll see you around", Zayn said before pulling away, hands leaving Liam's waist and Liam's hands dropping as well.

"Yea, and have a nice work shift. I'll see you", Liam bid goodbye as well mouth working on it's own accord.

The night was cold, but she walked the couple of blocks to her building and made it home, despite having to had put on her high heels again. Once inside, she knew she should unpack her stupid bag of sleep-over supplies, brush her teeth and wash her face, but for once she didn't do that. She undressed to only her knickers, and left her dress on the couch on her way to the bedroom.

Her bed was very tempting with it's soft sheets and, and she settled under the covers, with her phone beside her (and Liam didn't even text Louis back again, though the need was there and overwhelming for a moment) and her TV on with the first X-men movie playing. It didn't take her long to fall asleep, having the movie to distract from whirling emotions, and wondering what was wrong with her for not asking Zayn's number.

\----

Louis came over the next morning, as early as nine in the morning, on Sunday of all days. It didn't go as well, as Liam would have wanted, but she thought it went a lot less painfull than it could have.

The music blended into her dream for quite a while, and Liam mumbled out not being able to run a check on prices with the distraction. Soon she however realized that Ella Eyre was singing so she'd answer her phone. That ringtone was assigned specifically to Louis, so there was really no guessing who was calling.

Mornings usually were Liam's favorite part of the day, because her mind wasn't fully working yet. It worked around basics, like the full bladder, need for nutrition and maybe how stiff her muscles felt. It was like a calm before a storm, and she thought she was the chillest on mornings. It wasn't until later her mind came up with making Liam feel like a failure or remind her of Louis.

That Sunday morning, the reminder of Louis came earlier than anything else.

"Hello", Liam answered the phone, having fumbled it to her ear. She sat up a little disoriented, and rubbed at her eyes. Looking at her hand, she realized after that she hadn't washed of her make up properly off last night, and regretted the decision. Tears had obviously worn most of it off, so it couldn’t be too bad, but there was something left.

"Open your door, Payno, I've been knocking for ten minutes now. Your neighbors are going to be so pissed." And it was clearly Louis on the other end, speaking so casually and sounding a hint impatient, but Liam recognized the worry underneath it.

Liam swallowed a sigh, because she was in deep if she had Louis coming to her all worried on a Sunday morning. It wasn't that Louis didn't care, and the girl could be very pushy about helping too really. No, it was that Louis had kept a certain distance, since their break up, despite wanting to stay friends.

"I'm sorry, I'll come now. So see you in five secs, hanging up now, bye", Liam rambled with the words, before she closed the call. She pulled a shirt from her closet, rolling the sleeves up to her elbows and pulling it to cover her bum and front, but it didn't reach very far.

And it might not be a good idea to see Louis in so little clothing, but a part of her wanted Louis see her make up smeared and casual in a shirt, legs bare. And that of course didn't have to do with Louis having whispered to her ear, that she loved seeing Liam undone and messy. No, and that hadn't been the first time Louis had made her come, Liam holding on to her with both hands pressing hard and eyes gazing over despite that she'd tried to focus on Louis' face.

Yea, Liam needed to stop her thoughts. There was really no chance that Louis would suddenly find her thighs so incredible, that she'd jump her.

"Come on in, and close the door, yea?" Liam greeted Louis as she opened the door, not even looking to see the other. She'd really rather not, the whole physical and mental reaction being, what it was. Better to be sitting down for that one, so she could curl her legs to her chest and preferably have a cup of tea in her hands, liking to pretend it calmed her down.

"Took you long enough", Louis complained and Liam heard the door shut closed. Louis left at the entrance, to take off her shoes and coat, while Liam was already in her kitchen.

"Told you sorry, I was sleeping. You want tea?" Liam asked, busying her herself with the kettle. She could feel the unsettling bubbling up, and tried to suppress it unsuccessfully. This was just Louis, just Louis Tomlinson, a girl she'd known for years, nothing should be unsettling about this.

Except for that this was her ex-girlfriend, and all that emotional distress that caused, but really just one Louis Tomlinson. Nothing she couldn't handle.

"Yea, I'll have a cup", Louis said as she appeared in the doorway. And Liam made the mistake of looking. Louis was all sorts of gorgeous, with her shoulder length, deep brown hair around a sharp featured face, midnight blue eyes and a very curvy body, all narrow waist, perfect chest and an even more perfect bum. That all in tight jeans and a button up shirt, with the buttons undone quite a good way down.

And Liam was all gone, part of her so happy to see Louis, so bittersweetly happy. Her body wanted to be closer, all of her really longed to reach out, and it was all kinds of pathetic, sad and lovesick. There had actually been a time, when she could do that, or she would have Louis come put her arms around Liam in a hug.

And now, here she was, wishing her life away, and putting a smile onto her lips, which she hope Louis bought into enough. It was the same she'd smiled for about six months, so why would it be different though.

"Just sit down", Liam offered and continued making tea.

A few minutes later, they were sitting across from each other, cups in hands. Liam waited for Louis to get to the point, why she'd come over at all. And they talked this and that in between, Liam not really even sure what she was saying.

"I can't believe it's nine thirty in the morning, and you're not even wearing pants, Payno", Louis said at some point, once Liam stood up to get them cookies.

"Shouldn't bother you, you've seen me without pants plenty of times." And alright that might have come out a tad bit more bitter and a whole less playful than Liam intended. Louis also looked surprised, but hadn't answered yet, so Liam tried to safe her ass:

"I can't believe you're wearing pants before the afternoon on a Sunday, Tomo." And yes, that was a nice safe, very playful and easy.

"Yea, Harry wanted to meet for lunch at eleven, so I had to get up early", Louis explained with a fond smile and eyes down cast, probably imagining the long legged barbie. Both the whole Harry story in all it's shortness and that stupid tell tale in-love smile had Liam's mood crashing from hanging-in-there to I-can't-do-this-anymore.

"Sounds lovely", Liam said keeping her voice steady, but wasn't able to convey genuine emotion to it. It wasn't that she wished ill to Louis (or Harry, she hardly knew the girl), or that she wasn't happy for her. It was actually very unclear sometimes, just what kept hanging over her head with the Louis and the past and the break up and everything. It didn't matter much, because that was her own problem, not something Louis should have to deal with.

"You don't like her", Louis accused, and she sounded both offended, extremely defensive and a little questioning. Nothing Liam hadn't expected, but nothing she was prepared for.

"Why would I not like her, Louis? I hardly met her once", Liam said and crossed her arms across her chest, curling into herself. This could get very ugly, most likely would despite how gentle Louis had been with her very long now. And would have been very understandable if her patience was running low, tip toeing around her, having no idea what would make Liam flinch or tears to swell in her eyes. Something which Liam didn't have a clue about either, could get herself as teary as anyone.

"You left directly after you met her, and now me having lunch with her 'sounds lovely'", Louis said and mimicked Liam at the end. And she was definitely upset, but she looked at Liam a little concerned too.

"Well, what do you want me to say?" Liam asked and looked at Louis for a moment, before having to avert her eyes. The package of cookies was in her hands, but she didn't make a move for the kitchen table from the counter she was leaning against.

"For one I'd like to know, why you left last night, and also what's bothering you", Louis said a little heated, and it made Liam curl her hand further around herself and lower her head more. That seemed to soften Louis a little, and she added softly: "I really want you to be happy, I can see you haven't been."

There was no coming to Liam, to pull her close, hug this out or patting her head. Still so far away.

"Well, you can't help me, so clear your conscience or whatever, Louis", Liam said, own voice coming much harsher and angry, than she thought she had in her. It was like a burn, so hot that it cut through the clenching pain and longing in her chest, leaving them fainter and burning them up. It was questionable if it was better.

Louis was confused about this, clearly, staying still and quiet for long seconds. Liam refused to look at her, and kept her eyes out her window to look at the street instead, and counting her breaths to calm down.

One... Two... Three... Four... Fi-

"You're angry with me, 'cause I broke up with you", Louis spoke up. The sentence wasn't even a question or confused or anything, it was more like she realized something. "Oh, Liam, I'm..."

"No, you're not sorry you got rid of me", Liam said so hostile, because this was the last thing she needed now. She couldn't go through Louis' useless apologies, didn't want to make herself feel worse by making Louis feel guilty about leaving her.

Also, it wouldn't matter to her, didn't change anything. Nothing Louis said would magically make her the one to make Louis happy, wouldn't turn her into the person Louis wanted. Nothing would make her feel more competent, more beautiful and a million other things, she needed a boost at, because they didn't work out.

Something which was so hard to accept for her.

"It just wasn't convenient, you know, 'cause my girlfriend broke up with me, and that was also my best friend, so I had no one to go to. No one else knew, Louis, you know that", Liam explained voice softer and shaking. Voicing these thoughts made her feel them ten times worse, like the emotions were allowed to live after a long time of denying them, keeping them locked up. Her whole body feeling the whole ride from heartbreak, longing and a chorus of alone, alone, alone, which was enough to have her force down sobs.

"You have Danielle and Sophia", Louis tried to comfort her and actually got up to come beside her. Figured tears and sobs were needed to get affection from her, Liam thought and wasn't sure she wanted Louis there anymore if it was out of pity and not want. The arm around her shoulder rested there, while she pushed her own fingers further into her side.

"They don't know", Liam let out a little choked. She thought of curly haired Danielle and pouty lipped Sophia, and how straight they were and how straight they thought she was.

"Well, they can't know if you don't tell them, Liam, what do you expect them to guess it?" Louis asked trying to be a little humoring, but Liam just shook her head no.

"That's so stupid, I can't do that, I've known them for years, I can't just suddenly say I'm gay", Liam said with a laugh. And the silly thing was that she actually just needed to say that to them. It just felt like too much, like she'd let down, let down all expectations they had for her. Not to mention the fear of rejection or for things to get awkward between them - more than likely they would have at least redefine their view of her.

"It just quite hard to live in a tiny closet, I think you'd feel better if you'd tell them", Louis said and her thumb was chasing in a small circle on her shoulder through the fabric of her shirt. Meant to be comforting, but it felt like a burn, so unnatural after such a long time of them not touching.

"Once everyone hates me and feel awkward around me, sure", Liam replied, not warming up to this idea.

"That's not what's going to happen, you know that. Does everyone hate me?" Louis made a fair argument, but it didn't settle Liam's fear at all. Louis had been openly gay for as long as they'd known each other, that was since she had been 14 and Louis had been 16, so a good 10 years. And there was the difference, because you were supposed to figure these things out at a young age, when a teenager, and not at 24, when you were supposed to everything figured out already, career, love, in general life.

"It's a little different, I'm 24, and everyone already thinks they know me and, you know", Liam sighed shakily. 

"Well, you turn their stupid opinions upside down, and be your wonderful self instead, Liam Payne." 

"Yea, I guess", Liam said and could hear the voices in her head question if she really was wonderful. Sometimes when she was alone, they sounded like Louis, saying she was too needy, too insecure and a burden. All things she thought Louis might actually be thinking about her secretly, but not saying. Maybe it was just hard to trust someone, who told her 'I love you's and planned 'forever's after those promises were broken.

"Just when you're ready and all, alright? I think that'd do you good. Also it's real fun to turn down guys by telling them you're not into their smelly dicks", Louis said and had Liam laughing - Louis had a lot of stories with turning down guys by telling them she was into girls instead (not always in a nice way either, she could be real bad). And it would be real wonderful to manage something like that, to tell boys the things Louis did, but Liam had a long way before that.

"Have a cookie", she said and shoved the bag of cookies at Louis. That finished the conversation, continuing on more casual topics and eating a couple of cookies. The biggest bullet being dodged, and by accident really, since Liam didn't have to talk about not being over Louis (something she was almost sure Louis was aware of, because there was a quiet 'sorry' in her blue eyes, when she looked at Liam).

Yet it felt a little better, maybe like a turning point, and Liam hoped it was for real. There was only so much a girl could take, before she'd begin to call in sick at work and lay in bed all day eating ice cream (which she'd hate herself for later, having worked hard for her flat stomach, which seemed to come more naturally to Louis and everyone else).

At some point Louis said, she had to get going. Liam hated the clinginess she felt at that, wanting more time, wanting this new found easiness with Louis. She also wanted Louis to rather chose spending time with her, and shot down that stupid long legged Harry Styles. And it was these kinds of stupid thoughts she needed to get rid of, because Louis wasn't her's and she wasn't Louis' (even if she still felt strongly like she was, not able to look at anyone else, and still belonging only in the past with Louis' head on her chest when they cuddled).

Lesson to be learned, and long overdue, she thought, but didn't know how to proceed. Should she flick herself on the forehead every time she thought about Louis?

"Tell her sorry, that I left so suddenly", Liam said instead with a small smile, arms crossed over her chest. It was fortunate that it could be played as fending off cold by the entrance of her apartment. Harry should also think nicely of her, since they were to meet some day soon again, and Liam would probably like her anyway.

"I'll do that. You up for meeting her some time?" The question was everything, but casual testing so many different levels and Liam felt Louis' eyes on her. They watched carefully, when Liam raised her eyes and smiled.

"Sure, it'll be nice. We can talk about how shit you are in bed", Liam answered and thought she passed this one nicely. That was until Louis looked a little uncomfortable and she added: "Lou, I was kidding, thought you were sure you're ace in the sheets and all that."

"Yea, Li, come on, I know I am, it's not that", Louis continued and still stayed in the entrance with her shoes and jacket on. "Harry don't know we dated though."

The words took a while to register, but even after that, it didn't make much sense to Liam. The question why could have so many different answers, from that Harry was jealous, Louis was being careful and all the way to Liam being embarrassing.

"Well, alright, then we'll talk something else", Liam concluded. She wasn't really sure, what to make of herself and really wanted to be cool about this, to not care for once.

"Yea, that'll probably be better", Louis said, and then continued to explain: "You're not exactly out of the closet, Li, and I didn't want to out you, so we haven't talked about us dating before. Now seems a little late to mention it."

"It's fine, Lou", Liam said. It didn't feel like it was, but it was supposed to be. "Hurry now, or you'll be late. Girls don't like that."

They bid their goodbyes, Louis left, and Liam finished the rest of the cookies by herself watching another X-men movie (Jennifer Lawrence with blue body paint was a rather nice comfort) and not going for a jog. It was Sunday, and she would start to get her shit together Monday, would plan it out and stick to it.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "That's good", she mumbled as well and looked up from the ground to look at Zayn. "I wanted to like thank you again, and..."
> 
> And what exactly? Maybe seeing Zayn was freeing because she knew Liam was into girls (something she hadn't let past her tongue to anyone yet, letting them all assume) and because she'd already seen Liam at her worst. And this was what Liam was going for really, having that kind of chill with someone, a catch of breath through a whole lot of hyperventilating.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so second chapter !  
> this features Danielle and Sophia as Liam's friends - and I have a sort of problem with the characterization maybe, because I have little to no idea, what the girls are like. they are minor characters, and will come come up later as well, but not that big.  
> this also features a lil bit of niam: they hardly get further than this flirting really. if you're here for the ziam, it comes later, and niam dies down, you know (though to be honest, I'm thinking of having a niam fic written at some point, but it's not gonna be this one) - nothing heartbreaking though, feel like the lilo has that covered here.  
> then... I suppose that's it? I have the warnings in the first chapter, they apply for all the chapters really. please, enjoy !  
> I'd like to thank anyone, who left kudos in the last chapter; you're the best, you made me real happy ! I hope none of you will be disappointed about the future chapters or this one, I try my best ^^  
> next chapter up, let's say next friday or saturday if all goes well; have it written out, but you know, have to look through it.  
> ps. I have no idea how english speaking people text to each other, so guessing here. suppose you have more shortening of words than I know about though ^^

The week went by with forcing herself to go on jogs, working at the office with her basic nine to five shift, and telling Louis she was too busy to meet up with her and Harry yet. More like she wasn't ready for that yet, was sure she'd make a fool of herself, burst into tears or lightning would strike her for thinking fuck, fuck, fuck over and over again too many times. Louis understood, and Liam was positive she knew the real reason too.

She'd actually called up Sophia and Danielle for a night out that Friday, planning on getting over Louis that weekend - as if it was easy like that, but she had to try, right? Her plan had multiple steps, one of which including not getting her period. That first step failed though, Thursday evening having her curled on her bathroom floor with stomach cramps.

The rest if the steps didn't matter much then anyway. And while laying pained on her bathroom floor, feeling sweaty, gross and ten times her normal size, Liam was doubting them anyway. Goal having been getting herself laid, and that rendered very impossible by recent events.

The second step had been finding the blonde waitress called Niall: she'd seemed interested, had maybe thought Liam was cute, and had possibly been gay. All this based on that one comment - the ”I sure wouldn’t mind your company” repeating itself in her head like a mantra, until it started to sound surreal and she began doubting if it was even real - and that was maybe skating on stupidly thin ice, but Liam didn't have much else to go on. After that she wasn't really sure, what was supposed to happen and maybe it was better this way: now she couldn't make a fool of herself.

Zayn had crossed her mind a lot too, the kind hazel eyes, strong arm that had held her and nice, simple, comforting words. It was a weird warmth that swept over Liam, when she thought about her, and she wanted to see her again, to know her and feel at ease, because she could use a friend like that. Another reason, she needed to go out, to see if Zayn was there.

Basically, that was the main reason, since getting laid wasn't happening.

Friday went by with mild stomach cramps, and Liam made it through the work day, despite her poorly slept night. A nap and a shower later, she was ready for Danielle and Sophia to come over. There was still a dull pain and her stomach felt bloated, which reminded her of ruined plans, but she didn't let it bother her.

Or maybe she let it bother her a little, when she chose herself a high waisted, black skater skirt to hide her stomach, and a loose crop top to go with that. A lot more casual than her usual attire for a night out, but the best choice then.

"It'll be fun, just out with the girls", Danielle had said, when she'd arrived to Liam's flat. Her dress was short and tight, showing a lot of tan leg. She was an amazing dancer, having practiced that since she was little, and Liam knew she was looking forward to the dance floor part of the evening. And that part was only after a shot of tequila for Liam.

Sophia was all gentle smiles on her full lips, and warm eyes. Incredibly beautiful was also what she was, facial features symmetrical and even; hair long, smooth, thick and a rich brown; body curvy but slender... Basically perfection. She was in tight jeans and a loose top, never having needed special clothes to peak anyone's interest.

Sometimes Liam felt like she'd might be able to tell Sophia, because she was softer around the edges than Danielle. Danielle had more of an uneven personality, which Liam wasn't sure what to make of; sometimes so soft, even having cried on Liam's shoulder one night, when she'd been particularly upset and sad, and other times incredibly hard and unapproachable. Liam figured, she was insecure under it all, and while Liam was her friend, Sophia knew her better and was probably her shelter.

Sophia was softer, always more gentle with her girls. It figured she was more secure, someone to lean on if in doubt. Her eyes only got wary around those several men, which tried to peak her interest and her smile would turn more coy and flirty - it was a sort of game, Liam wasn't sure how was played, but Sophia had mastered. Also one, she'd probably won, dating her boyfriend for 1,5 years by then. He wasn't as much perfection as Sophia, having temper and being an sarcastic asshole at times, but Sophia swore by him and he by her, so Liam figured that it worked for them.

They drank some wine at Liam's place, all finishing up their make up and picking out sneakers to go with her out fit. It ended up with her having to change the crop top into another one, a pale pink, tighter one to go with her sneakers.

"We can find you a skater boy with that outfit, Li", Danielle teased, and she was in a good mood from the wine. Those kinds of sentences were the kind Liam wasn't sure how to respond to anymore, since Louis and her had happened: she'd used to laugh and agree with a shy smile, because she used to think she would end up with a man eventually. It was different now, and she wondered if they noticed her uneasy smile and shake of head as a difference to before, or if they thought about it at all.

"Not getting any with this bloated tummy", she said playfully brushing the comment off. It worked good enough, since Danielle declared all the boys as her's and they headed out.

As the night proceeded, and they'd enjoyed some drinks upstairs from the night club, before heading down and checking in their coats. Liam a merry drinker, she knew this, and that didn't bother her: she was usually fun to be around if she was tipsy, when she was all giggles, honest comments and forgetting stories she was sharing midway through (sometimes she faked this if she realized she was about to share something, she really didn't want to).

A little later on, after she'd made her appearance on the dance floor - with Danielle grinding against her to get boys' attention, and Liam closing her eyes with a wide smile thinking this is my song while mouthing along to the lyrics - and after getting a new drink, she'd headed the stairs down to where the bathrooms were. And it was a little confusing, because she didn't remember ordering the drink in her hand, or where she'd left Sophia and Danielle or when, and how long ago that was.

Zayn she remembered, had earlier still when wandering to the downstairs and past the bathroom. Liam leaned against a wall near the door that said STAFF ONLY, feeling fuzzy and suddenly remembering to checks that her clothes were still on in an orderly fashion (a habit she had when drunk, obsessing over skirts riding up or tops falling low).

Her head was spinning, not exactly unpleasantly, but quite more than she'd have liked it to. A little buzzed was good, this was maybe too much.

"Hey, you okay there?" The voice was friendly and slightly familiar. It took Liam a moment to focus her eyes, seeing the blonde waitress from last weekend before her. The shirt ever as tight around her chest, bleached hair in a messy bun with darker roots showing, skin cutely flushed pink and lips curling into a smile suddenly.

"I remember you", Niall declared then and Liam couldn't help the giggles, that escaped. She could hardly believe that sober Liam had planned on snogging Niall - and she'd imagined her to be just aggressive enough to make Liam feel very wanted, but casual enough for her to not get attached (though she doubted this, she could probably still get attached) - and there she now was: it was too amusing.

"I should hope you do", Liam replied, because drunk Liam was a smug asshole at every occasion, and apparently a little flirty. Basically wording out lies, she didn't believe to humor herself and others. If she hadn't found herself so funny, she'd be sad about that.

Niall found that funny too, laughing with Liam and coming closer to chat her up, steadying her a little with a hand on her shoulder. The following parts of the conversation were a little blurred - sober Liam was actually rather glad she didn't remember them, would have been way more embarrassed if she'd remember details. There might have been more of even less subtle flirting, and Liam telling Niall she was gay - this she was quite sure happened, and she hoped the confession of gayness wasn't followed by a bold suggestion.

"I actually kind of wanted to see Zayn", Liam said after the few minutes they talked there. The comment might not have had anything to do with the conversation before, and when did she empty her drink? She had to check her skirt and shirt for probably the hundredth time that night, while she waited for Niall to answer.

"Zaynie's around here somewhere, couldn't tell you where though, she drifts where she pleases”, Niall said and looked around. Liam nodded her head, and then raised a hand to steady it, since it felt a little shaky. "I'll tell her you're around, yea? Should I tell her the pretty girl from last Saturday or do you have a name?"

"Don't know if she'll remember my name, but it's Liam", Liam said and wondered if Zayn would actually remember: it could hardly be every weekend she rescued crying girls from the bathroom to help them avoid their exes.

"Liam", Niall repeated with a nod wanting to remember it - and she did seem like someone who'd forget it after a moment. "I'm Niall, I probably didn't say."

"It's on the name tag so I figured", Liam said and let her eyes slide over to the name tag - and Niall's chest just because it was there as well.

"Yea, there it is", Niall said with a wide smile and a laugh. She pushed her shoulders back a little bit, to further shove her chest out, and wasn't it just unfair how snuggly that shirt fit over those breasts and shouldn't that button pop already? "But yea, I'll tell Zayn you're here, and you take care, Liam. I got to actually work some now."

Liam wasn't sure what she answered other than maybe something between thank you's, it was nice to meet you and mumbled agreements. And Niall was gone quickly smiling ever brightly, and Liam felt like it might have been a success - most likely because drunk Liam was optimistic enough to think that her checking out Niall's chest and Niall calling her pretty would eventually lead to sex.

Liam felt steadier on her feet, when she left the corridor with the STAFF ONLY-door. The air inside was slowly making her feeling itchy and suffocating though, the constant beat of the bass making her unsettled, so she headed upstairs. She got her coat checked out - only a few people in the cue - and went outside.

It did wonders to her mind, like a fog lifted, and while her thoughts were still disorganized and random, she could catch on to some of them. It was how one got through clearly, impulsive and brilliant: the back alley, she knew where it was. And it might not have been that great of an idea to go into dark alleys alone at night, but Liam felt like she lived too much on the right path, so she could do this.

Feet stumbled once or twice, when she went around the block to the backside - encountered a group of boys, who wanted her along, but when she said a 'no thank you' they continued without her. A look into the dimly lit alley didn't reveal much at first, until her eyes focussed in a figure in the dark with a cigarette between their lips and a hood covering their head: might just have been Zayn.

There was only one way to find out, and Liam walked into the alley.

And it turned out to be Zayn, red lips turning to a smile, when she recognized Liam, sitting on the stone stairs by the backdoor. She eyed Liam over, the long lashes fluttering across beautifully bronze skin.

And if she was more daring, didn't have this weird sense of self control she practiced always, Liam wouldn't have stopped a few steps away.

"Hey, you", Zayn greeted easily, when Liam was close enough. She didn't seem too bothered that Liam had come back there, just took out another cigarette having finished the first. And Liam's brown eyes stayed on her hands, seeing inked skin disappear underneath the fabric of the hoodie by Zayn's wrist, leaving her to wonder about the tattoo there.

"Hi", Liam said, and was a little at a loss of words. Because the need to see Zayn - the sweet, calm and empathic girl, who'd made her feel lovely in her most desperate hour - was fulfilled, but she felt like it wasn't enough. But there was no way to know, what should happen, she hadn't thought this through enough.

"How are you feeling?" Zayn asked and scooted over on the stairs she was sitting on to allow Liam some room.

"A little buzzed", Liam confessed with a small smile. She took the offer and seated herself next to Zayn, making sure her skirt was down and clothes in order, trying to fix her bra strap underneath her top and coat - and Zayn might or might not have been looking at her amused by this.

"But yea, how are you?" Liam asked, and just slid the bra strap up over her shoulder (it would fall again, the whole strap having loosened, but really no more embarrassment).

"I'm good", Zayn answered, and Liam nodded her head at that, hair falling before her eyes from behind her ear.

"That's good", she mumbled as well and looked up from the ground to look at Zayn. "I wanted to like thank you again, and..."

And what exactly? Maybe seeing Zayn was freeing because she knew Liam was into girls (something she hadn't let past her tongue to anyone yet, letting them all assume) and because she'd already seen Liam at her worst. And this was what Liam was going for really, having that kind of chill with someone, a catch of breath through a whole lot of hyperventilating.

Nothing like that could be said without sounding really pathetic and needy though.

"Yea?" Zayn asked, not sounding impatient, just curious and kind.

"I don't remember", Liam said with a giggle, playing herself off as more drunk than she felt. Zayn laughed a little at her too, and put a hand on her shoulder, rubbing with her thumb a little through the fabric of Liam's coat. Her cigarette was gone, but she wasn't showing signs of leaving yet.

"Little buzzed, sorry." Nose wrinkled and pursing her lips she pulled at face at Zayn, which gained her a smile.

"That's fine", Zayn promised with a shrug of her shoulders and a gentle smile. There was something curious in her eyes as looked at Liam, and she bit at her lower lip. Liam thought maybe to stop words from spilling, and she wondered what they were. The silence remained for a while, and Liam waited it out, since she felt like Zayn had something to say.

"Niall said she saw you." And there it was, stirring a wave of excitement, embarrassment and a nervous eagerness in her - which showed not only as the heat in her cheeks, but at how her eyes become more aware and looked to Zayn.

"Yea?" Liam asked and sounded way too eager to her own ears. It was supposed to come out a lot more composed, casual and careless - none of those accomplished.

Liam swallowed a sigh, and lowered her eyes again, when Zayn giggled a little at her.

"Yea", she answered a little amused and her eyes crinkled with her smile. "Don't worry, love, she was worse than you about that."

"I doubt that", Liam said, but smiled widely.

"She was quite charmed."

Well, Liam couldn't really argue, and didn't even want to. She let herself feel pleased for a moment with the idea that the cute Niall could like her.

"I'm quite awful when I'm drunk, like daft and blunt and stuff", Liam explained then, not really sure what she had actually said to Niall. The pavement beneath her sneakers didn't hold an answer, but she kept her eyes there.

"Good to be honest." Zayn's voice was gentle, encouraging. It kept her going, because she should maybe explain a little.

"I really want to get over Louis, so I think I'd maybe need... a little something to do that, you know?" Liam asked and dared to look over at Zayn. Warm hazel eyes looked back from under the hood that covered her head, no judgement in them, just compassion. And Zayn nodded. "Is that awful or something? Like you shouldn't play someone like that, right?"

Zayn smiled and let out a laugh with a small shrug of her narrow shoulders. "Niall will be all over you if she hears you're just in for a rebound night, really."

There were feelings of both relief, hope and slight hurt at that. The hurt she brushed off easily, not wanting to dwell on insecurities more than she already did (lately they just seemed to stick to her, inking into her mind for longer stay). There was definitely a possibilty here then, a spark she could work with, and which shouldn't blow up in her face.

"Well, we should maybe tell her that then, yea?" Liam dared suggest and hid her face a little behind her hair. She kept her eyes on Zayn from under there, seeing an amused look on her face.

"I can if you want me to", Zayn said and raised an eyebrow at Liam. Because really the question was if Liam wanted Niall all over herself. And the answer was...

"Yes, please." Liam felt a little bolder, because this was going rather well: there were possible hook ups happening, she hadn't felt sad or anxious the whole evening and Zayn was nice.

"I'll tell her that then, see what she says", Zayn said and stood up. Liam followed that example, and felt surprisingly steady on her feet.

"Thank you for that. You'll let me know, yea?" Liam asked, and Zayn promised she would. Phone numbers were exchanged, and Liam noticed how Danielle had missed her via texts for the past half hour (calling was really not an option, while in the middle of the dance floor and the heavy bass line). And she got going, a last grateful smile at Zayn, who waved a goodbye.

She made it to dance a few more dances, before the club closed. Danielle had found herself a young guy, who tagged along when they left, Sophia having her boyfriend pick her up.

It was 3:30 in the morning, when Liam was home, a little shaken by the quiet compared to the club. It was almost 4:00 when she got out of the shower, and sat down by her kitchen table to get some tea before bed, and checked her phone.

The text from Zayn had her hurrying up with unlocking the screen, brown eyes reading fast, and then rereading to understand.

'Niall wants to invite u to this party we having at a friends place on thursday:)that ok?'

And Liam would obviously have work on Friday, so it wasn't ideal. Backing out wasn't ideal either, so she figured she could do this: work one friday a little tired, or get the day off, or call in sick. She had options, so she typed back after thinking carefully about the answer, backspacing quite a lot and proof reading a lot of times to make sure she wasn't sounding stupid:

'sounds good, I'll be there ! text me the details?:)'

It didn't sound stupid, or too eager, or too anything, so Liam was happy with it. And Zayn answered after a small while:

'give them to u when I know them ! see u then, and niall wants to tell u hi ;)'

That had Liam's cheeks heating a little bit. The small jolt of excitement ran through her at the thought of Niall and the blonde girl liking her. It settled at her lower stomach as a pleasant tingling.

'tell her hi back then ;)'

And while she had the urge to add more, she thought it might be better to leave it at this for now - plenty time for fucking it up later really. She pressed her hands to her hot cheeks and buried her face into her hands smiling widely. It was stupid to be this happy about such a little thing like cute, blonde girls hitting on her, but she couldn't help it.

And when she thought about it, the happiness might have been about more than, about being herself for the first time since she discovered her sexuality anew. About Zayn accepting her, about Niall very, very OK with her too. It was uplifting, like she was floating, like she wanted to raise her hands and dance around.

The feeling carried her a long way into the following week. All the way until Tuesday afternoon, when Louis called - and Liam her told about the party, leaving out the Niall part - and burst her small, happy bubble.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Where do you know Harry from?" Liam realized to ask at some point, suddenly interested in this. The pair was so unlikely friends somehow, something like a wild cat and house cat; something wonderfully lovely and disney when it happened.
> 
> "Mutual friends really, you'll know half the city through Niall actually", Zayn explained. She was leaning a little heavily on Liam's shoulder then, body relaxed and fingers stroking figures on Liam's side through the lace top. Circle, circle, heart, and definitely a Z. "Where do you know Harry from?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> big thank you to anyone, who's left kudos - you've made me happy ! I hope I don't disappoint any of you with this.  
> this chapter has actual ziam, so there you all go ^^  
> I'm hoping to have another chapter ready in about two weeks, maybe !

Zayn texted the details as promised. Location was in a suburban area with houses along side each other; Liam knew it, her parents living only a few blocks from there. Party would start around eight or something, as Zayn texted it. Liam decided to check with Zayn when she'd be going, so she wouldn't be too early (had happened to her before, and she'd felt like a fool). The recommendation was to bring own drinks; Liam bought herself a bottle of rose, counting on it to be enough (tipsy was a good, happy, smart-ass Liam, too drunk was her hugging the toilet bowl).

It had been a small miracle that she got Friday off from work, but her boss had been in a good mood (which seemed to happen every once in a while, but was unpredictable). So everything was rather perfect.

Clothes were her problem, when Thursday came around. Louis was at her place then in the afternoon, before her evening shift would start. She had a teacup between her hands, sitting crossed legged on Liam's sofa, when Liam was questioning her about what clothes to wear and showed her different ones.

"House parties are casual, you can wear what you want", Louis had advised. When Liam started trying on clothes and pulling things out of the closet it wasn’t as easy. Most of what she owned wasn't good enough, casual enough or cool enough though - all this according to Louis, who was the judge. It took a while before they found a tight pair of light pink jeans and black lacy top.

"Casual and hot, I like it", Louis said with a smirk, and Liam felt a twist of hurt at the words - she wasn't ready to hear these words from Louis as a friend, it felt more like a cruel reminder or false hope. Her expression was controlled enough, she pouted her lips at her reflection in the mirror and frowned a little, brows lifting, when she looked herself over; how the lace showed her skin and bralet from underneath, her arms - and so also her few tattoos - left bare, and the jeans hugged her thighs and bum tightly (though she didn't have much of a bum, but it looked bigger and rounder in these).

"Yea, and maybe like put my hair in a bun or just a messy ponytail", Liam suggested and gathered her shoulder lenght hair up with her hands. It showed her neck more, the birthmark on her neck suddenly more visible without shadows on it.

"Yea, looks good, Payno", Louis said with a nod of her head from the sofa. Every once in a while she'd make a move to almost get up, but then changed her mind. It had happened up to four times that evening, and Liam had the question of why burning on her tongue, but didn't think the answer would satisfy her.

There was a reason Louis wasn't touchy with her anymore, and it had to be because she felt uncomfortable touching Liam. For some reason or another, and Liam really didn’t want to think up possible answer to that particular ’why’; it wouldn’t make a difference. And she pushed it back in her mind, but it surfaced every now and again for a quick ’hello’ and sometimes a prolonged stay.

It became time for Louis to leave. And while standing in the doorway, arms crossed Liam gave a small smile and waited.

"I hope you have fun, Payno", Louis said playfully with a smirk and a wink, but Liam knew she meant it (maybe even very seriously, hoping more than Liam that the night would prove good for her). "Tell me all about it when you've recovered."

"So tomorrow at six am sharp?" Liam joked and promised to call Louis. They didn't hug, and Liam shut the door behind Louis.

\---

She'd looked over and rewritten the text a couple of times, but went with this one:

'when r u going?:) wouldn't wanna go there not knowing anyone...'

The explanation felt needed, but Liam wasn't sure about it anymore. The reply came shortly:

'leaving at 8, so u can do that too:) and don't worry, just text me when u get there:)'

Liam smiled, feeling relaxed at the confirmation - the smileys did wonders as well, liking the lightness and happiness they brought. It made the rest of getting ready a lot more relaxing and she sang along to the songs that played from spotify (skipping Ella Eyre, because she didn't need to feel angry or think about Louis).

She pulled her hair up into a purposefully messy bun, letting a few light brown strands frame her face. Next she framed her brown eyes with thin eyeliner and put a red lipstick on her lips lightly, and wondered if there was something missing from her look.

Jewelry - something she wasn't that good at wearing (it involved a lot of taking it off when she went for jogs or boxing).

There was a necklace hanging around her neck, simple and silvery with a small delicate key hanging on the chain. It was one she usually wore - for reasons she'd rather not think about - and she convinced herself it worked well with her clothes. Her fingers straightened the chain and she thought that maybe it was enough.

It was weird it was to go to party, where she didn't know people; it was like she should be past that in her life, but there Liam was sitting in a cab for ride to the suburban area. She sat in the back seat twisting her fingers around and looking on as the view changed from center of the city to family houses with two cars in their driveways. Her departure had been delayed by a few minutes of second guessing, and she called the cab at eight thirty, and now it was almost nine, when she arrived.

"Hope you have a fun night, darling", the cab driver wished after she payed and tipped him. She really hoped so too, and texted Zayn as she got to the front of the house; it was the one, she was sure by the strong bass line coming from inside and the few people standing outside smoking.

'I'm here, where r u?:)'

She added a smiley, though she wasn't as smiley herself. She walked towards the people in the front, and had their attention by then.

"You can go on inside, it's fine", one of the guys in front of the house said a little slurred. He smiled lopsidedly and nodded towards the open door. Liam doubted if it was really his house or if he had the right to promise that, but she thanked him and accepted the invitation.

There was a small entrance hall and beyond that, there were people; fifty something if Liam had to guess a number, scattered around here and there. The living room was visible further away in the back and had glass door opening to the backyard, and the kitchen was to the left. People were sitting around the kitchen table, drinking and Liam walked over carefully looking over at people to find Zayn or Niall.

"Hey!"

The greeting was happy and came from beside her suddenly and it took her awhile to recognize the girl; tall, slender and still rather soft, dressed in a dress shirt, flower printed leggings and ankle boots, wearing a flower print bandana over her dark curls and a wide, happy smile, all sparkly green eyes. Yea, it was definitely Harry Styles.

"You're Lou's friend, right? We met that night, when you left. Lou said you felt ill", Harry said and this was definitely a question, and Liam should be answering it.

"Yea, I went home, wasn't feeling that great", Liam explained and stood as tall as she could, but not reaching as high as Harry despite her heels. There was a girl behind Harry standing almost as tall, looking Liam over, with a lot more judgement in her eyes than Harry; it was a little unsettling. "Harry, right?" she asked pleasantly, though she knew, but this was their first time talking to each other.

"Yes, Harry Styles." There was a hand extended towards her, and Liam took in hers.

"Liam Payne", she introduced herself, not sure if Harry knew her name from before.

"Yea, Louis talked some about you." And Liam nodded, knowing Louis didn't talk bad about her.

Then she had also left out the part she'd been going down on Liam for almost a year, and Liam wondered why that was such a big deal to her. It shouldn't matter, it was in past, wasn't important anymore. Time to let that go, and ignore the clutching of her chest at the thought, like she was caged in.

"Half what she said might be true also", Liam said jokingly.

Harry giggled and nodded agreeing that Louis was quite a storyteller. And it seemed Harry wanted to hear more about Louis, offering Liam a bacardi breezer and sitting her down in the kitchen by the counter. The other girl disappeared off, saying a goodbye (Liam learned she was Harry sister, Gemma). Liam talked about Louis; all from Louis the footie coach and Louis the medical university student to Louis the drunk, who wanted to climb a traffic light pole - and she almost slipped to Louis the fantastic kisser, but she hadn't drank enough by the time to slip (and Louis better make it up to her, she'd be sure to mention it to her).

And the more Liam talked with Harry, straying from the topic of Louis to herself and Harry, the more she liked this girl; a feminist, a university student, who wanted to be a teacher and a lovely person. No way Liam could think badly about her at all, the way she talked a slow and dreamy and was harmless in every way.

"Who do you know here?" Harry asked at some point, and Liam looked down at her phone; Zayn still hadn't texted her back and she looked back up to explain:

"Zayn invited me, and I was supposed to find her, when I got here. She didn't answer my text though", Liam said and paused for a moment, pouting her lips.

"Zaynie's like that sometimes", Harry said and Liam was maybe a little surprised that Harry knew Zayn; they didn't seem like the pair that was the most likely to be friends. "Not like if she's at home, but when she's out. At parties, you know. I can help you find her, we can look outside, she might be there, for smokes."

Her head wasn't spinning too fast yet, and Liam felt steady on her feet (as steady as she could with heels). Harry seemed a little less steady and Liam held on to her arm partly to catch her if she fell and partly to not lose her in the living room, as they made their way through the makeshift dance floor there.

"There she is", Harry said, when they got outside. She spotted Zayn before Liam, who looked over afterwards; a small group of people standing and smoking, the dark-haired girl apparently Zayn.

Liam wondered if she wasn't cold with her sleeveless top (tattooed arms showing, and Liam was looking at the inked skin in wonder) and her ripped skinny jeans. It became apparent that Zayn was in no state to feel cold however, wide grin on her face, when she saw Harry and Liam.

"That's a good Harry, you found me Liam", Zayn said, when they reached her. She had her arms reached out for them. Harry got a hug, into which she giggled an ’hello’, before Zayn pulled Liam to her side, letting her arms rest around Liam in a surprisingly strong grip. She smelled like smoke, and she was warm against Liam despite how cold it was, and she leaned into the touch. "I should have texted you, I'm sorry, but I forgot my phone somewhere."

"That's fine", Liam promised and smiled. "Though not about losing your phone, that's not so fine. You want help finding it?" she sounded a little concerned, but mostly she wanted Zayn inside from the cold in her skimpy clothes; even Liam was cold with her coat open.

"It's in my pocket, so I kind of know where it is. Just have to find my jacket", Zayn said carelessly with a cheeky grin, and leaned over to whisper in Liam's ear: "Shouldn't we find you Niall instead?"

And it was the hot breath against her ear along with the thoughts, that sentence that had Liam shivering. She'd very much like to have her mouth on Niall in a locked bathroom, maybe on her knees in front of the blonde with one of the blonde’s legs over her shoulder...

"Yea, well there's that too", she agreed with heated cheeks, not sure if it was as much embarrassment or arousal really. It didn't matter either way, because they were leaving soon after, Harry abandoning them to find Gemma, and Zayn's smoking buddies staying out to smoke.

"Remember where you left your jacket?" Liam asked, and held onto Zayn's hand not to lose the other. And Zayn seemed all too comfortable with that, holding on and tightening her grip every now and then, when it loosened for a moment.

"Yea, it should be in that bedroom with the other jackets and coats." And while Zayn was relaxed and clearly intoxicated (and Liam wasn't sure if booze was the reason alone), she clearly knew which she wanted to go to. It was by the entrance to the house, a door to right from there. And there was a wide bed, with a lot coats and jackets thrown across it.

With the explanation of 'it's the coolest one' Liam searched through them, checking the leather jackets. And she got laughs when she suggested wrong ones, with a 'no, cooler than that' added. One particularly nice jacket got a 'oh, that's actually cooler, should I nick it?' followed by a laugh (but Liam wasn't sure if Zayn was really kidding or not).

"Here it is", Zayn said, when she found it. Liam went over to her, and they ended up sitting on the floor by the bed, not visible from the door. Zayn got her phone from the pocket, and looked through messages with a slightly open mouth and focussed eyes. "Yea, here's your message, and Niall texted too. You still up for getting with her?"

"Yea", Liam answered a little hesitantly, having her doubts crawl up on her. Zayn looked at her curiously, eyes warm the light color lining the brown looking almost copper. Her hair was quite a messy tangle down past her shoulder on one side, and the other cut short, leaving the pierced ear visible.

"You don't like her?" And Liam wasn't sure, what to make of the tone; it was like it was offended lined with something softer still; like Zayn would understand and accept if Liam had a change of heart on the Niall matter.

"I do like her, it more like the other way around I'm concerned", Liam explained and could feel her lower lip pout out, her eyes going big as they searched for understanding in Zayn. There seemed to be plenty in those copper eyes and a slender but strong arm that wrapped around her. "I've only ever been with one girl, you know. And I knew her years, before anything happened, I'm just a little unsure, is all."

Her hands went to her necklace, fingers twisting the small key between her fingers. And she should really get rid of it, the fucking thing reeking of Louis, burning into her fingers and filling her body with the feel. 'It's the key to my heart' Louis had said, Liam remembered it well.

End of May, beginning of summer, and they had been out shopping day with Lottie . There had been a foreign lady selling cheap jewelry by the river, and they had stopped to look. Louis had bought Lottie one with an owl, and the silvery one with the key for Liam. And when they had went further away, Lottie going to the bathroom in the mall, they had been left alone in a corner, out of sight.

Liam remembered how her heart had been beating fast, when Louis was leaning closer and up to press her lips to Liam’s; first time in a public place. It was fluttering hard, like trying to escape, and Louis' wicked smile didn't do much to calm it. But she had been so in love with that, the light Louis' eyes and games they played, daring each other further and further.

"Key to my heart", she had said then, pulling on the chain to get another kiss from Liam. And Liam had taken the words too seriously, but they had inked their way to her mind for stay, remembering it all too clear and vivid, wanting to hold on.

Harry should have the necklace, she thought, her mind a little fuzzy with the bacardi breezer.

"You don't have to do anything you don't want to, Liam." The words were calming, and Liam wasn't sure what they were about anymore, but she loosened her grip on the small key. She wasn't going to give it to Harry, Louis had given it to her; even if it didn't mean the same anymore.

They ended up opening Liam's bottle of rosé, taking turns drinking from it, while bonding over stories of interests and generally life. And Liam took of her coat, when the wine heated her up enough and Zayn sat so close by providing warmth. And there was a moment, when Zayn's eyes looked her over, the rosy lips dropping from a smile and expression looking interested. That had Liam feeling exposed and a little vulnerable, heart skipping along and her breath catching a little.

It passed, when Zayn smiled again, eyes reaching up to Liam's again, and they continued laughing with a 'Niall would have loved that, babe' giggled into Liam's ear.

"Where do you know Harry from?" Liam realized to ask at some point, suddenly interested in this. The pair was so unlikely friends somehow, something like a wild cat and house cat; something wonderfully lovely and disney when it happened.

"Mutual friends really, you'll know half the city through Niall actually", Zayn explained. She was leaning a little heavily on Liam's shoulder then, body relaxed and fingers stroking figures on Liam's side through the lace top. Circle, circle, heart, and definitely a Z. "Where do you know Harry from?"

Liam felt herself tense a little, the fingers on her side tickling more than comforting before they stilled. Zayn pulled herself more up, giving Liam space, but staying beside her. And her mind was wondering if she could explain this, if she wanted to, if she was even allowed to.

"You can keep a secret, right?" Liam asked, turning to see Zayn; she didn't seem like one to talk beside herself or about other people's stuff. There was a nod and a comforting smile on full rosy lips, the lipstick there a little smeared. Liam nodded too, to confirm and assure herself. "I don't know her much, just talked to her today. But she's dating my ex-girlfriend, who I'm still friends with. Well, you remember when we first met, right?"

"Yea, I remember that", Zayn said and the fingers were back to drawing shapes at her side. Now it was definitely heart, heart, heart... "That's unfortunate, that Harry's here tonight then. You feel OK, love?"

"Yea, I feel fine, she's a lovely girl, very nice and kind. She don't know I dated Louis though, so I don't know if she'd be so nice to me if she knew", Liam said and she looked out the window for a moment, and leaned her head down on Zayn's shoulder then. It was dark out, but from her angle, the could make out the night sky and some stars.

"I think it bothers me, that Louis hasn't told people we dated", Liam confessed, feeling comforted and at ease. Like she was small, but it was alright, and she could curl up further.

"Would bother anyone probably", Zayn said, and her finger continued with the heart, heart, heart pattern. Sometimes a little wider, longer and sometimes a small one.

"I suppose it's because I was in the closet. Can't really blame it on Louis", Liam said and Zayn hummed in reply to agree, Liam feeling the vibration as the sat so close.

It wasn't really a problem of her not understanding, why Louis hadn't told anyone. It wasn't even a problem of Liam thinking there might be other underlying reason (though she still wasn't convinced it wasn't for the comfort of Harry also). Maybe it was more like it was something that added to the feeling of being trapped, and caught up in living a lie.

She took a sip of her bottle, realizing then just how empty the it was.

"You should have the rest, you deserve it, you're great, you know", Liam offered sitting up on her own so she could face Zayn. Gesture a little big and her grin even wider, she offered the bottle to Zayn.

Zayn didn't say anything to that, just smiled as wide before taking the bottle and drinking what was left of the wine.

"You're very lovely too", Zayn said then and leaned over to Liam. One hand came to rest on Liam's shoulder rubbing her thumb there, and the other going to Liam's side once more, the one that had those invisible hearts painted on it. Zayn's breath was hot on her skin, when the girl rested her head on Liam's shoulder and pulled her to a hug, which Liam returned by reflex.

Zayn’s tangled hair was itching on Liam’s arm, covered in hairspray and products, her body slender and firm against her, and the breath so hot, hot, hot on her collarbone, when Zayn giggled and let out a sigh. And it was hard to know, what was going on, would have probably been giving a sober Liam quite a head and heart ache. But her head was spinning, and she focused on keeping upright, giggling along with Zayn.

There were lips pressed to her collarbone, right were the hot breath had been. It was openmouthed and wet, quite soft, with the tip of a tongue grazing her skin. And it had her body reacting, a hit shiver traveling down her spine, breath catching a little, and legs parting on their own accord, leaving better room for Zayn there. She turned to Zayn to see, maybe ask or something, she wasn't sure.

Their eyes caught, and they both tried to search and look and find, what they wanted. Liam felt unsure, because she had always been bad at that, trusted words more for no misunderstandings. And the slight insecurity must have shown in her eyes, because Zayn stroked her thumb on her shoulder, and then brought the hand up to cup her heated cheek. It felt like a nice chill, something to cool her down, soft pads settling gently there.

"Relax, babe", Zayn whispered and then leaned up to press a very feather light kiss to her lips. It was hazy, and left Liam wondering if it even happened. Zayn was smiling softly, letting her fingers fall to Liam's neck and rest there instead. 

"See, all good", she said and moved further away, sitting herself opposite Liam.

"Yea, all good. Except we don't have drinks anymore", Liam said to distract them both from the kiss; more like just herself, because Zayn didn't seem to be very upset.

"Time to actually find Niall, I think she has beer", Zayn said and moved to get up.

And they left their coats on the floor, walking with support of each other and walls to get somewhere. Niall turned out to not have any beer left (sharing was caring, when it came to the blonde, and especially when she was a little tipsy). She was however happy to see them, jumping down from the counter in the kitchen to come hug Zayn, and then Liam.

"I almost thought you didn't show up", Niall told her, and her smile was wide, when she looked at Liam.

"No, no, I didn't want to miss this", Liam told her with a smile. One of her hands were still holding Zayn's, because the world was spinning, and her feet didn't feel quite steady. It also kept a certain happiness bubbled up to the surface, nothing stirring it.

"I mean, sure we spent a while in the coat room drinking, but still", Liam said with a giggle, and she would be embarrassed in the morning; because since when did she turn into a drunk teenager, when she drank? At the moment she didn't care too much.

Niall and Zayn were amused though, and Liam covered her mouth, because maybe she shouldn't say more. She knew herself well enough to know that, she would say about the kiss, and maybe that wasn't good; maybe she needed to figure that out when sober.

The night went on from there, Niall and Zayn and their friends keeping Liam company. It featured a journey back to the coat room - because Liam suddenly got worried someone would trip on the wine bottle they left there - and just general talking.

Liam thought it became time to leave, when she was yawning more than giggling, and her eyes became heavy. The bubbling happiness was considerably lowered as well, leaving her in a calm kind of neutral good feeling. Also the thought of her bed was becoming tempting.

She and Niall decided to share a cab, since they lived on the same street, only ten houses apart. There was small kiss good night, on the lips as well, and it had them both giggling, when they parted ways. The following morning she might worry about it, but for that night Liam didn't care.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "In that case, here's the stupid key to you stupid heart back, I don't want it", she said, before Louis got another say, and threw the necklace at Louis' lap.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is a short update, and I'm feeling unsure. I looked through it a couple of times, and I keep finding stuff to fix, it's exhausting sometimes. I hope I didn't miss anything, but I feel like it's possible.  
> about this chapter: purely very painful lilo really. but it's a necessary chapter, and I wanted to make it one part of this. sorry for the lack of ziam: next chapter I promise.  
> at this point, I'm fairly sure I'll write two chapters more for sure. look out for next in about two weeks (this time I'm sure it'll be that long for sure).

The next morning Liam didn't recall anything from gathering her things after the party, but when she checked they're all there: her bank card and ID actually placed on her living room floor, out of her purse and wallet, for some reason. And when that settled her worry, she decided on a shower, because she certainly doesn't feel like a jog yet.

It's when she reached behind her neck to unlock the necklace she usually wears, that she found that it was missing. And she did remember just how that happened too. It had been after getting her coat, and standing outside with Niall waiting for a taxi to get there. Harry Styles had been standing a little while away looking a little tired, but content, and her curls had gotten tangled up during the night.

"Help me get this off", Liam had asked Niall a desperation in her voice. Something she was sure would have more than a little confusing. The blonde had helped her nevertheless and with the chain and small key in her hand, stumbling in her heels, she'd walked over to Harry.

"Excuse me", she'd said, because why shouldn't she have been polite. "You should have this", she'd said, when Harry had turned around, a little confused look in her green eyes. Liam held out the necklace.

She wasn't sure anymore, what Harry said, remembered it being a protest to that she didn't need it, that it was Liam’s, that she couldn’t take it. In the end Liam must have convinced her though, since the necklace is no longer around her neck or in the pockets of her coat, or her clutch.

Liam groaned out, when she didn't find it, and cursed herself for being so melodramatic. She recalled herself saying 'it belongs to you now' and equally stupid things. There was no memory of her mentioning Louis, so maybe that part was alright.

There was a text on her phone from Louis, that disagreed with that theory:

'met up with harry, and she said you had fun last night. we should talk.'

It was unfair really, that when Liam had a bit of fun, let loose a little bit, that everything had to be falling apart at the seams right after. This was why she didn't do this, there was real reason behind being careful. Regret flooded through her. It was the most useless feeling really, because there was nothing she could do anymore.

'yea... let's when you have the time.'

That was the reply she sent, even if she didn't really want to deal with the whole thing - there was also the question of what the whole thing was: her telling Harry by mistake, Harry figuring it out or something else entirely.

Comfort came in the form of a shower, a warm meal, and then the few texts, she exchanged with Zayn about how they had fun the night before (there was no mention of the kiss they'd shared, nor about the one with Niall, which was settling and made that issue easier for Liam).

None of those things saved her though. Eventually she had to see Louis.

 

It was in almost three in the afternoon, when Louis called and said she'd come over. Liam was almost fooled by how normal she sounded: not angry or upset, maybe just a little exhausted. She declined a offer of Louis bringing over food (if she wasn't going for a jog, she didn't need fries) and they hung up.

The ten minutes it took Louis to get over seemed to drag on forever, and Liam felt like she was waiting on a punishment: getting a talking to or real scolding, because now she had behaved badly. There was really enough of her beating herself up over things, she didn't need other people to join in. The regret in her was dying down slowly, because she felt like she didn’t deserve this.

Louis showed up and made herself at home on the couch, on the other end of it from Liam. The space between them looked big, but it wasn't enough. Louis looked uncomfortable, but there was a determination in her driving her to continue, that had brought her here. So she crossed her legs and worried her lower lip with her teeth for a small moment, before Liam couldn't really take it anymore.

"I thought you wanted to talk. Not sure about what, so if you could tell me or, you know..." And she didn't know how to continue.

Luckily Louis decided to get on with her visit then, Liam watching her pull something out of her purse. Unsurprisingly it was the necklace Liam had given Harry the night before, and she let her brown eyes linger on it between Louis fingers.

"Do you care to explain, Liam?" Louis asked, voice a little hard, all serious and angry. It wasn't like they hadn't had a fight before, but this wasn't about dishes or washing of clothes. This was a whole other level of emotional and personal.

When they'd broken up, it had been the most anticlimactic ending in the history of break ups, Liam thought. She'd come back from a really long jog, trying to rid her of the feeling that Louis had something to say. When she'd returned, sweaty and exhausted still in a hoodie and spanks, careful smile on her lips, Louis had looked ready.

"I think we should just be friends."

Those exact words uttered from Louis, who had stood leaning against the wall of the entrance. Liam had sighed, but let then out a laugh. It wasn't like it had been surprising. As if the lack of hugs, kisses, snogging and sex hadn't been something to go by. Louis had looked vary, like she'd expected a waterfall of tears or screaming. Liam didn't have anything like that to offer, having cried over Louis not wanting her for a month before that.

"OK. Wasn't like I was getting any from you anymore anyway." That was what Louis had gotten, and she’d let that comment slide.

Maybe because she'd felt like she'd owed Liam that much and because she had been very aware of the crying. Liam had told her before, how she didn't want have to beg for affection. Those times had ended in sex, which had later left a very bad taste in Liam's mouth, made her disgusted with herself. It was like she'd guilted Louis into it, and it wasn't what she's intended. So she'd stopped bringing it up.

Later they had had a small talk about how it would take time to fall back into friendship, and how it could be uncomfortable for awhile. And maybe it was still uncomfortable, and maybe this was the climatic end, the closure she needed and had sought out yesterday buzzed and dramatic.

"I was drunk, Lou", Liam started in a tired voice, because she was already exhausted from the conversation, thinking about where this could go. She didn't make a move to take the necklace, which was placed between them, just looked down at it and twisted her fingers.

"You can not still be upset we broke up. You can not go bringing Harry into this drama of your's, I'll not have it", Louis said clearly upset and defensive. It brought a new guilt and hurt up in Liam, and her own defenses awoke at that, baring teeth and claws, not letting her have it.

"You don't get to tell me, what I can feel, you know. It's not like I can help any of them, they just come. And you know you weren't fair to me... We never talked about that, and that's also why you walk on eggshells around me, so I won't say that to you", Liam told her, talking fast and almost without really knowing, what she said. She grabbed the necklace from between them and held it up for Louis to see and looking into her widened, blue eyes.

"Do you even remember this?" she asked, because she wasn't sure just how much that had meant to Louis. She questioned it all after the break up, because it seemed like Louis wasn't interested in talking about anything they'd done while dating. Like it was all erased and gone, and they could start from before they snogged each other again.

"Of course I do", Louis said voice on edge and a little higher than normal. Liam rolled her eyes at the answer, because the ’of course’ was misplaced there if ever.

"In that case, here's the stupid key to you stupid heart back, I don't want it", she said, before Louis got another say, and threw the necklace at Louis' lap. It might have been childish, and the way she crossed her arms over her chest and refused to look at Louis after was as well.

It had everything to do with the tears in her eyes - guilt, hurt and heartbreak coming in waves, dying down at the occasional flare of anger. Louis didn't say anything for awhile, and then she moved beside Liam carefully.

"You're angry with me?" Louis asked, like she couldn't believe it, like it was all wrong for Liam to be angry.

"Let me guess, I haven't got the right to feel that either?" Liam asked sniffling a little. The stubborn anger wouldn't die down, kept itself lit and alive in her.

This wasn't what she wanted, this mess of things. Louis was talking about current things, while she talking about history. Neither of their causes were helped here, neither was getting anywhere, just having more misunderstandings and all in vain.

"I'm not saying that, I never said that. You were the one that never said anything", Louis insisted. Liam flinched away from the hand that reached for her arm. She stood up instead gripping at her own arm, rubbing at the spot Louis touched. Like she could get her off from her skin, where she seemed to rest even if it was less and less.

"I said plenty, but you always ended up snogging me and making me feel bad about that. Pity snogs and all, you know. Let's do Liam, she'll be happy, but then let's pull away from her hugs like she's contagious and disgusting", Liam said a little shakily and almost regretful, but there was no going back. It was all her, the ugliest and worst part, the most wounded she'd ever felt.

Maybe it needed to be said, so Louis would understand, why they never went back to being friends for real and why Liam wasn't as trusting.

"I can't quite move past that, I know I should, but it's not that easy. You got over me easier, it's like you, just forgot or something. We used to be more than this, even before we... you know", Liam finished and willed Louis to understand. She looked over with what she hoped was a sincere look in her eyes, all open to any suggestion.

Louis was looking a little helpless, and brows furrowed and lips tight. Just as she looked, she was also less willing to talk about the past:

"That's so long ago, Liam. Do we really need to talk about this?"

There it came, in the pit of Liam's stomach, spreading there until it was all she felt. It was the weight of disappointing Louis, of making her feel bad and having been a burden. It was awful, coming down heavy and killing all of her anger and hope. Regret tightened in her chest, until it felt like it would cut of her breathing. It never did, but it felt shaky when she let air out of her lungs.

"We don't", she promised and she avoided looking at Louis. Trying to move on, back to what Louis came over for, she continued: "So promise I won't pull stupid stunts anymore, alright?"

But they didn't go back to that, Louis didn't reply. Instead she came to Liam and wrapped her smaller arms around her, embrace slightly uncomfortable, but obviously something Louis wanted. Liam fell into it too easily, the will to fight Louis all died down to make room for regret, and she let her arms wrap around Louis in return.

"I know I handled things wrong sometimes. I don't like thinking about it, Li", Louis said and her eyes were firmly on Liam's own. It was all regret and a softly whispered 'I'm sorry' in the midnight blue. "I didn't want to hurt you, but I didn't know how not to."

"I'm fine, Lou", Liam promised, and didn't feel like a lie anymore. The tears that fell hotly over her cheeks were from relief, because this conversation was long overdue.

They talked it out: each admitting to their own faults in their down fall. It seemed to clear, like finally seeing the whole picture after having seen individual bits and pieces. It was finally making it for real after a long time of pretending to be fine.

Liam had looked for the way for her and Louis to go back to being friends again, without guilt, hurt or discomfort. She knew she was partly to blame, but after the conversation, it turned out Louis was struggling with it too. But then it felt like there it was, all open road to walk down.

"I'm real sorry about the necklace thing though", she apologized. It was almost two hours, since Louis came over. Everything else seemed settled, except for that issue, the whole reason why Louis came over.

"It's alright. Harry just thought you might miss it, since you gave it to her while completely plastered and all", Louis answered. "She didn't guess anything. I just don't want you to be angry with her, you know. Because I didn't know, what you were thinking."

Liam was quiet for a few seconds, trying to figure it out, before she giggled. "I was giving her you", she answered the implied question. It was great in a way, she thought to herself, because it meant she was over Louis. Drunk Liam was brilliant in her own simple way.

They didn't get into the conversation about wether or not Louis was Liam's to give away. Louis understood as well, that it was more about an inner struggle, which had been acted out. Sometimes that might be needed, something more real to actually feel and see the development.

"Maybe we can go out you, me and Harry sometime, now that you met her?" Louis suggested, when she was tying her shoelaces in Liam's entrance.

"Really, Tomo? You want to third wheel me? I thought we were friends again", Liam asked. She didn't have anything against the idea of meeting Harry anymore, so she was just joking. Louis smiled at her too, eyebrows lifted.

"Yea, we'll see about that, Payno", she countered. They were back to this, the part where Louis could say things and wouldn't be careful to not hurt Liam or fearing what it might bring up.

Liam got a hug goodbye, when Louis left. Not an uncomfortable one, not a forced one, a real one, like the ones they used to share.

The necklace was placed in her jewelry box. She could keep it and remember her first public kiss with a girl, and smile. It was a happy memory, and she should keep it that way, not mixing it with the present or the future. It didn’t belong in either.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry for my late update. there's a lot going on and I write a little on and off just all sorts of things. I hope you like this regardless if you're still reading this? there'll be one last chapter after this at some point ^^  
> about this chapter, I did a little editing with what I had originally planned, but it seems to work fine with this story. the ziam escalates a little quickly and suddenly, and that had me very surprised ^^  
> other than that fair warning: homophobic parent ahead, just mentioned in conversation. I have no idea, what Zayn's parents views on homosexuality are, so it's purely fictional as everything else is too (they're girls and all... very fictional)  
> other than that, I hope you enjoy !

'U can come over sunday we can watch a movie and just chill :)'

Liam thought it was a very good idea, liked the idea of laying on Zayn's couch relaxed with a beer in hand - it became her escapism idea during stressed times, the one she thought about when she needed to breathe. She imagined it to feel a lot more weightless than what she felt most of the time, easy breathing and no worries. The other girl brought that side out in her, where most people just gave her more expectations to live up to: she liked this very much, needed it.

The kiss they shared wasn't an issue either: Zayn didn't talk about it in their texts, and they were on terms. Liam wasn't sure, what she should have said about it either. It had been light, while both of them had had their fair share of wine - and Liam was sure Zayn had smoked a little more than just normal cigarettes. It could have been for comfort, it could have been for fun, it could have been for friendly affection in a way Liam wasn't as used to. There was no way to know, so Liam decided to not give herself an headache over it. Nothing was ruined there, all good, getting by with a small scare. It was part of the easiness that was between her and Zayn.

'I'll do that, just let me know where u live and if I should bring beers or something :)'

She texted this back, wondering if Zayn was one to drink beers or not - on one hand she could see her being that, but wouldn't be surprised if Zayn liked wine better. Then it was a date. Liam was looking forward to it the rest of that Friday, whole of Saturday and Sunday.

\--

Louis agreed to drive her to Zayn's. It wasn't too far away, maybe a half an hour walk, but Louis was on her way to her evening shift and it was convenient: her shift began at seven and Liam had agreed to meet at Zayn's seven thirty.

"It says four right there, so this is it", Louis said, fingers tapping on the wheel. Liam waited ten taps, before Louis continued: "This Zayn, is she just a friend?"

"Just a friend", Liam replied quickly. Her mind went over the small kiss again, and her stomach dropped a little, because for a moment the answer felt like a lie. And maybe she had been too fast to reply, her expression might have been a little uncertain, since Louis looked skeptical. "Honest, Tomo, she's a friend. I need her like that. Because she knows, and that's... nice."

She didn't need to clear up just what Zayn knew. Liam still being closeted was something they had been over and over. It was coming closer to the time she might be confident and brave enough to come out, Liam felt like. She repeated her mom's words over in her head 'Nobody's born ready, things take time'. It was out of context with this situation - had been about her being sick when she was little and her poor kidney - but it fit so well. They mixed with Louis' 'If they hate you for it, they're assholes and don't deserve you', which was equally giving her strength.

But for the moment she was still too scared, living in the comfort of keeping it a secret. It wasn't much of a comfort, since she felt trapped, but it would have to do.

"Just checking, you know, looking out for your heart here, Payno", Louis answered a little jokingly, but Liam knew she was serious behind that. And that brought an honest smile to her lips - not only because she was back to really being friends with Louis, but because all the bitterness those words would have brought out before didn't come.

They bid their goodbyes, Louis blowing her a kiss while driving off. Liam just waved with a grin on her face. She turned to the buildings on the street. Tile buildings side by side, with a gate to the inner courtyard of the buildings. Liam walked through there, because Zayn told her building was in the back, door by the yard side.

The yard looked a little rough and untamed; wild plants growing anywhere the pavement and tiles allowed it to. Three cars were parked side by side, and trash containers were standing underneath a shelter. All lit by a few yellow lights on the tiled walls in the two floor buildings, some of which didn't work at all, and some of which flickered in different rhythms.

And there she was then, not sure which building to go for. The plastic bag in her hand weighed on her fingers uncomfortably leaving then numb. It had a bottle of the same wine she'd brought to the party - it was what Zayn had asked for, she had liked the sweetness of strawberries and the bubbling - and a few beers just in case. The air was also cold, biting at her thighs through the fabric of her jeans.

She picked her phone out her pocket to call Zayn. It took two tones, before Zayn answered voice a little out of breath on the other end:

"Hello?"

"Hi Zayn, it's Liam. I'm in the yard, at least I think it's the right one, 99%, and I don't know which house is your's. Could you give a hint?"

There was a small laugh on the other end, Zayn obviously a little amused by her, and then she answered: "Just hold and I'll come for you, babe, yea?"

"Yea, sounds good", Liam agreed easily a smile tugging at the corner's of her mouth.

She waited for half a minute. All while the smile really came to her lips and giggles escaped her, while listening to Zayn moving around on the other end of the line, while narrating her doings: "I swear I left my sneakers here, but one of them has dissappeared. I'll borrow Ed's, just hold on still, have to find my keys."

Once Liam saw the lights turn on in one of the hallways, she took footsteps in that direction. Zayn told her she was coming down and she'd hang up, and did as promised. It wasn't long before the locked door was opening, and Zayn peeked out. She was in a pair of loose sweatpants and a crop top, the bronze skin of her lower stomach left bared. She had her hair braided on one side, a little messily, and a beanie on her head. Her lips curved to a smile, when she saw Liam and pulled her into a hug despite that she was cold from the outside and still wearing a coat.

"I brought the wine and a few beers", Liam told her while they climbed the stairs. Zayn smiled at that, white teeth and pink tongue behind them.

"Pretty perfect, that wine was so good, bubbly and happy. Let me carry that", Zayn answer her and reached for the plastic bag in her hands. Liam gave it over and smiled at Zayn's definition of the wine.

"Bubbly and happy?" she asked as they reached Zayn's door.

"It was bubbly and it made me happy", Zayn confirmed and opened the door for Liam.

It was unclear, what she had expected from Zayn's apartment. Maybe something like a little unruly, with unexpected elements. Maybe make shift furniture, like a pile of pillows for a couch, and a lot of pictures or drawings on the walls - Zayn had told her she liked to draw; own versions of comic characters or just anything. Maybe some indie music playing in the background, soft strums of guitar strings and smooth vocals.

What was clear, that it wasn't like that. The entrance hall was small and had a lot of shoes spread out along the wall, some in pairs and some lonely with their partner across the small space. They varied in colors but were mainly trainers, sneakers and Zayn's combat boots, and in two sizes. Zayn's were the smaller ones and the bigger ones clearly a boy's.

A doorway opened to the living room, which had a big, grey couch and a small coffee table - the surface there covered by DVD covers, magazines, possible drawings and a half empty glass - across from a big entertainment system. The TV was huge, the speakers on each side as high and there were different game stations set out - and Liam only had a playstation herself, one she mainly used to watch movies with. The walls were white with a few pictures set up; one Avengers poster framed and another X-men one. The floor was wooden and covered by a big, soft carpet. There was a balcony facing the yard, the door to it glass and half hidden behind a long white curtain.

The kitchen opened a little further away, and was simple and small. There were three seats by a round table, that surface also occupied by various magazines and papers, placed neatly in two piles. The fridge had notes and pictures on it and the counter had a coffee machine and two cups in the sink. Walls and cabinets colored a neutral white, it looked nice.

There was a closed door by the entrance hall, which had muffled strumming of a guitar coming from behind it. The other one read 'THE LOO' written on squared paper and taped to the door. That had Liam smiling a little. Zayn noticed, so she explained:

"We had a party sometime ago, and that was the easiest way for people not to get confused with the door. That one's Ed's door, and they're so side by side, and if you've had a few it's not easy, you know", she said with a smile. Liam nodded knowing all too well how confusing things could be when drunk. 

"You put it up just for me though, yea?" Liam joked, while she stripped off her coat and shoes. Zayn giggled and agreed to that.

"Make yourself at home", Zayn offered her, when they came to the living room. She continued to the kitchen. Liam went for the couch - which was as comfortable and soft as it looked - and looked to the TV, which played reruns of friends.

Zayn returned with two glasses of wine, the light pink liquid bubbling happily in the cups. Liam was handed a white mug with tiny pink hearts on it and looked at it a little curiously.

"I'm sorry, I don't have real wineglasses. Never really got around to getting some, even if I could just take some from work", Zayn apologized and seated herself beside Liam. The nicking from work explanation had Liam feeling a little boring compared to Zayn: she herself wouldn't feel comfortable taking a pen from work (that might have been exaggerating, but she would certainly wouldn't be skillful enough to steal wineglasses).

"That's alright, wineglasses should have handles, right? And this is so cute too, pretty little hearts and all", Liam replied. It something she was sure she'd heard Louis say at some point, and something she was sure Louis had stolen from some comedy show.

"To wineglasses with handles", Zayn agreed and they clinked their mugs togethers. They took their first sips and Zayn hummed at the taste, clearly liking it as much as the last time.

They watched friends for some time. Both pulled their feet up on the couch, their knees bumping, but neither pulling away. It was easy, comfortable and a lot like a break from the world - something Liam wasn't able to achieve well on her own, she needed someone beside her to secure her by just being there.

One cup later, Liam was feeling warm and happy, the bubbles from the sparkling wine resting in her chest and having her heart flutter. It was something she wanted to share with Zayn, something she wanted to tell her too. She wasn't drunk, her head wasn't spinning, but the buzz was flowing through her and looking for an outlet.

"I'm real happy I met you, you know", she admitted. Zayn looked to her then, copper eyes a little confused for moment, before they crinkled with a smile and she leaned over to Liam one arm coming around her.

"I'm real happy I met you too, Liam", she said and laid her head on Liam's shoulder. The fingers on Liam's shoulder were drawing those small shapes, sometimes a heart and sometimes letters Liam couldn't get the feel of. "I was hoping you'd come back after that night, I wanted to see you again", Zayn's voice was smooth and honest.

It felt like a confession, one that had been hanging between them wordless, but understood. Liam just wanted these things said, liked the way it made it seem more real to her. It wasn't the case really, it had all been there just as much before. In the soft copper eyes, how they looked at her with sympathy and affection, a silent kind of understanding.

"That's good, I was a little worried I'd bother you", Liam confessed. She settled herself better against Zayn, having her own arm come around a slim waist and against the warm skin there under her ribcage. She could feel the gooseflesh that broke put under her fingers, but Zayn seemed content under the touch.

"Don't be silly, babe." It was an whispered answer, honest and soothing. There was going be further explaining, another part to it, but it was interrupted by the creaking of a door opening and the stomps of footsteps. It had them both come out of their shared safe space and conversation, like a drop falling into a calm surface of water and shattering it. Zayn was pulling up, their arms unwinding from around each other and looking in the direction of the sounds.

A man came to the living room, slowing after the threshold from the entrance hall. The hood of his hoodie was pulled over his head, tracksuit bottoms tightened by his ankles and his feet were bare. His eyes were a soft and kind, his hair under the hood red and falling over his forehead and lips coming to a small smile, when he saw them. Liam had never seen Zayn's roommate, but she was guessing this was him: Ed Sheeran, bartender, Zayn's coworker and roommate.

"Hey Z", he greeted. Eyes were going over them, and stayed on Liam a little longer, trying to figure out if he'd seen her before.

"Hey Ed", Zayn said back with an easy smile. She slid closer to Liam again, and gestured to her with a nod of her head. "This is Liam, she's my new friend."

"Hello", Liam offered and Ed nodded in her direction as response, lips curving to a wider smile.

"Hi. I'm just grabbing a beer from the fridge, I'll leave you two be", he said with a wink of his eye.

Liam expected Zayn to disagree with him, say something about them just being friends. That comment never came, she just hummed a reply to him. Ed was in and out of the kitchen quickly, dissappearing into his room again with a 'nice meeting you, Liam'.

"He's funny and nice", Zayn told Liam, who swallowed her question about wether or not this was an actual date. It probably wasn't, it was just hanging out, and she was getting hung up on a small detail that meant nothing.

Later that evening, after a little more of the bubbling wine, Zayn continued from where Ed interrupted earlier. Friends reruns were over by then, and the TV was set to music channel, which played songs after song, the videos never ending. They had shifted around on the couch, with Zayn leaning her back against Liam's chest. Her head was rested against Liam's shoulder and she had her fingers around Liam's hands, pulling at her fingers and twisting them around gently.

"I just felt really bad for you to begin with. But then when you said you were gay, you know, with that unsure tone and that look in your eyes, or something", Zayn rambled on telling Liam about when they first met. Soft beat and vocals of a song were heard in the background, but Liam was playing attention to Zayn's voice, the story continuing: "It’s something like how I felt too sometimes, you know, so unsure if it was supposed to be like that, if it was real or right or something like that. My dad..."

There was a pause, not so much in hesitation, more like in gathering strength to say, what she was meaning to. Liam said a soft "yea?" for encouragement.

"Yea, he's accepted me liking girls, I suppose", Zayn spoke up with real vulnerability in her voice. Her shoulders tensed a little, body more rigid as she leaned against Liam. "But we don't talk about it, he doesn't want to. It goes against his beliefs, so I understand, you know, that he doesn't. And I'm rather happy he still thinks of me as his daughter", Zayn finished her tone more shielded at the end.

All of that left Liam unsettled and uneasy. There was a new need in her, that wanted to make Zayn feel better but she didn't know, what to say. It was mixed with a roar in her chest that felt angry at the injustice and overly protective. Zayn didn't deserve to be treated that way. Liam soon realized that her fingers had actually entwined with Zayn's and she was holding on tightly.

"I'm really sorry to hear that. It can't be easy to have him feel like that", she told her and loosened her grip around Zayn's fingers. She settled for a small comforting and hopefully soothing rub of her thumbs against the palms of Zayn's hands cradling the smaller hands in her own. It seemed to work well, since Zayn's body fell relaxed again head falling against Liam's shoulder.

"It's OK, it could be way worse", she said. It was back to an easy tone, didn't sound pained or hurt like it had before. "Have you told your parents yet?" Zayn asked. She busied herself with letting her fingers trace along Liam's own and up the back of her hand: a shift of comfort, a give and take, it came naturally.

"No", Liam replied and wasn't sure how to continue. Her father had always loved her, had been very fond of his youngest daughter. There was a gut feeling, that he couldn't love her less despite her sexuality. Her mother was protective and loving to this very day - she called Liam weekly to check up on her - and Liam doubted it would matter to her either. Her older sisters were more progressive in their thoughts, so she felt safe enough with coming out to them.

It wasn't even as much that she thought they wouldn't accept her, it was more about accepting this herself. She had never thought badly about gays and she had never hated them. But coming to terms with being something that some people would look down upon with disgust was hard for her.

"I think they'll be fine with it, I think they'll accept me and love me for who I am, it's not about that, that's not why I haven't told them", Liam tried to explain. Zayn was looking at her, having turned a little, leaning more against the back of the couch to do so. Liam lowered her own eyes, having a trouble voicing how she felt.

"I'm not ashamed either, it's nothing to be ashamed of, you know, but it's still a little... scary to tell the world something not everyone will understand, yea?" she asked seeking confirmation for what she felt like. Looking up she was met with a soft expression - one of more than understanding, like accepting and validating - and warm eyes a little stilled with the wine they’d been drinking.

"Yea, I get that. You'll be ready, when you're ready, no pushing from me, I promise", Zayn told with a small grin and she leaned over to Liam again, close and the way, so she could hug her, arms coming up around Liam's neck. Liam wrapped her own around Zayn's waist, hands coming in contact with the bare skin on her middle to support her and accept the comfort she was given.

With their chests pushed together, she could feel the soft swell of Zayn's breasts against her own and the rise of slightly hardened nipples. There was clearly no bra underneath the crop top, no hard wire pressing against into her. Zayn was straddling one of her thighs, one leg coming up between Liam's own to rest a few inches short from her center. Her breath was on Liam's neck, blowing warm air on the sensitive skin and having gooseflesh break out on Liam's arms.

It was so sudden to Liam, the way the hug turned from friendly to feeling more sensual and seductive. It was also sudden, when Zayn lifted her head from Liam's shoulder and looked at her in a new way. It was want and their reassuring affection, which had been very quick to bloom, but felt so real.

Zayn moved slowly when she pressed their lips together, giving Liam time to prepared and pull away if she wanted to. She still felt unsure, when they kissed, moving her lips tentatively with the soft kisses. They were mere presses then, not going deeper or further. Still those kisses had her heart and mind racing and her eyes closing.

It might have too much too soon, it might have reminded her just what happened with Louis, and it might have scared her a little. But Zayn's fingers were rubbing comforting at her neck and her lips were so soft and warm, that the thoughts were drowning down. When she felt Zayn's tongue run along her lower lip, she gave in completely and kissed back with all she had.

There was a song playing in the background, that Liam could vaguely hear. Something with a sensual beat and she made out a 'girl I guess that must be you' sung seductively. Most her senses were filled with Zayn. The soft hums and small moans she made, sounding encouraging to Liam and she tried to match them with her own. Zayn's skin was warm and soft under her fingers. Liam loved that she actually feel the tattoo by the other girl’s ribs just running her fingers along it, as outlines stood out (but not well enough to guess what it was). Zayn's body was pushing against her's deliciously, almost in a steady rhythm that matched the song in the background. And there was the taste of Zayn's tongue against her own, just a little sweet from the wine they had been drinking.

They lost track of time, or at least Liam did. By the time Zayn pulled away, she had no idea how many songs had passed in the background (and she had tried to keep track a little). The small whine that escaped her lips was involuntary, and she blinked her eyes a couple of times. Zayn was still close and looked at her with a dreamy and intense look, blinking those long lashes like she was waking up from a dream.

"I got a little carried away", Zayn whispered to her, voice a little raspy. She smiled softly, bringing Liam's attention to how red and swollen her lips looked. Her fingers were still on Liam's neck rubbing softly. It was almost tickling, but Liam kept still to not lose the touch.

"Yea, me too", Liam confessed. She kept her voice low and quiet to not break the spell over them. It felt a lot like a fantasy, something dreamlike, despite how real it was.

"You're so lovely, Liam", Zayn said sounding both amazed and obviously happy. It had a smile coming to Liam's lips, and maybe bringing her a bit out of the dreamlike state.

"Thank you, I don't know though. You're...amazing, and you know, sweet, and you saved me and...yea", Liam replied and then she knew she had definitely broken the spell. Zayn had been very smooth with her words, knowing what she was saying and keeping them in their bubble. Liam burst it, bringing back down to earth from their clouds.

Zayn was laughing at her, but pressed another kiss to her lips pulling away whispering a quiet 'lovely' to Liam. After that they both sat up, fixing up clothing and smiling ridiculously wide. Liam knew it was her mind that hadn't got around to thinking about consequences and what if's but she allowed herself the happiness she felt at the moment.

"I was thinking I could walk you home, you know, it's late and all now. You have work tomorrow, right?" Zayn suggested pulling her crop top down. Liam's eyes caught on a text tattoo and a picture above that, but it was covered to too quickly for her to make out what it was or what the text said.

"Yea, I do. What time is it?" Liam said and she was a little worried. It wasn't that she hated her job, but she wasn't looking forward to it most of the time. But right then she really wished she wouldn't have work the following day. It would be a day of constantly looking at the clock and checking her phone for messages that wouldn't come (Zayn would sleep until she got home from work most likely, that was the time she usually replied with a 'haahaa, sorry, I was sleeping').

"It's nine thirty, so not too late, don't worry, babe", Zayn answered her. She got up from the couch and stretched out. "I'll change my clothes and walk you home, yea?" she asked, but didn't seem to expect an answer. She went for her room, passing Liam to bend down and kiss her once more.

Liam voiced her concerns about how Zayn would get home safe that late. She only smiled and replied with a 'you know where I work and the hours we work, right?'. It was the end of that discussion, and Liam wasn't given room to disagree.

Their fingers laced, while they walked to Liam's place, Zayn going for that the moment they got to the street. It was warm and nice in the cool evening air, and Liam felt flushed despite that, both from the make out session and how she was feeling fluttery. It was quiet on the streets, only a few cars, bikers and walkers passing them on the way. The half hour walk went too quickly, Zayn talking about her tattoos and Liam about her own. She would have rather had Zayn stay with her longer, spending more of the night in her company, but they arrived to Liam's place too soon.

"You could stay the night, in case you don't want to walk back?" Liam offered, when they stood by the door to her building. She still had their fingers laced, and Zayn squeezed at her hand at the comment.

"I would love to, believe me, but it's for the best if I don't. You have work in the morning and I would probably keep you up all night", Zayn confessed and smiled at Liam.

"All night?" Liam asked, trying to figure out what to make off the comment.

"Yea, wouldn't let you rest at all, would have to kiss you all night." That was followed by her leaning closer to Liam, resting their foreheads together. Cold fingers pressed to Liam's cheek, but she was didn't move away. "Thank you though", she whispered and leaned in for another kiss. It lingered a little long, giving room for the glow it brought up in Liam to reach the tip of her fingers and toes and left her fluttery.

It was a hard goodbye, neither of them really wanting to part and dragging it out. Eventually Liam went into her building and climbed the stairs. The smile on her face wouldn't fade, her heart wouldn't stop it's frantic beating and she could feel the heat in her cheek, the tell tale sign of her blushing.

It was ridiculous, she felt ridiculous, but she couldn't help it. Her mind kept going over the evening. Everything from the how it started, to how it changed and how it ended. In the back of her mind, she could hear a warning. It was a whisper in the otherwise warm wind she was riding on. It reminded her of what had happened with Louis, how hurt she had got.

But it was nothing but a whisper, too quiet for her to worry about. She ignored it, when she grabbed her phone to text both Zayn and Louis.

'text me when u get home, I wanna know u got there safe, ok? ^^'

'ok, so we might have ended up kissing with her after all. but that's not a bad thing right?'

The text to Zayn was mostly just hear from her one last time that night, and only a little bit concern for her safety (Liam was fairly sure she could take care of herself). The text to Louis might have been seeking to quiet the small whisper, wanting to stay in the bliss with no dark edges.

'got here just fine :) sleep tight and sweet dreams ;)'

Liam read that one before she fell asleep, very content and happy. Her screen lit up after she dozed off with Louis reply:

'not a bad thing, hope she was a good kisser ;) details tomorrow, Payno'

**Author's Note:**

> comments and kudos makes me happy, babes ! please ?
> 
>  
> 
> [tumblr post here](http://ribonhwa.tumblr.com/post/109032108869/getting-over-her-under-you-by-ribonhwa)


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